N-UTS AM, Santa Carla Public Radio

There is a time and place for which there is a time and place.
This is not the time, nor is it the place, I’m sorry to say.
It is some other time that is not quite a good use of it,
some place that is not quite the point,
and either really could be defined in rather simple and direct terms
if one gave a shit about brevity.
This is not that, though.
It is, however, what one might call
A Complete Waste of Time.

Tune into N-UTS AM!
“Amoral Crackpot” Stevie Arviso

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N-UTS AM NEWS

• Dumpster Debbie
  STEVIE: In local news, Debbie Percocet-Addiction, of 6 7/8ths E. Who Gives a Shit, failed to listen to all the times I warned her about leaving her garbage cans in front of my driveway. But she just wouldn’t listen, and now the whole city… Read more: Dumpster Debbie
• A Weekend with the Talisman of Shalamazoo
  STEVIE: Those looking for a weekend getaway before the next blood moon, be advised the southern bridge out of town is currently experiencing an existential crisis and cannot, for the time being, carry the weight of so many people’s expectations. Those hoping to flee… Read more: A Weekend with the Talisman of Shalamazoo
• Fibonacci High School Football Rules
  STEVIE: In local sports, Fibonacci High School brutally massacred Meatloaf Memorial High last night. Local and federal agencies are still hard at work trying to piece together what caused this unfortunate incident. Rumors are floating around that it had to do with some sort… Read more: Fibonacci High School Football Rules
• Babyface Brennifer
  STEVIE: Breaking news tonight out of Itchyfoot, Colorado. Police are currently searching for Babyface Brennifer, a thirty-seven year old aspiring business owner and alleged fish strangler, currently wanted in several states for a number of offenses, up to and including: grand theft cannibalism, armed… Read more: Babyface Brennifer

less

THE NIGHTLY CHILL

SIGNALS & STATIC

• Candylynnifer
  STEVIE: Our next sketch this whenever, was, I’m happy to tell you, lost in a tragic leaf-blowing incident. The downside to this act of utter stupidity is, of course, that minutes of half-hearted, yet utterly worthless effort has been forever lost to wherever it… Read more: Candylynnifer
• Pim-Hole
  STEVIE READS A PREPARED STATEMENT. STEVIE: My sweets, my savories. This brings me no small amount of sexual gratification, but I’m afraid I have something to confess: I originally wrote this sketch for something else entirely. Now. My wife, bless her black, wretched heart,… Read more: Pim-Hole
• Larry Schafer’s Leg Shavers
  LOUIE: Hi ya, folks. I’m Louie Shepherd for Larry Schafer’s Leg Shavers, and you’re listening to… uh, what is this again? (BEAT) No, I was told I’d be given a script to read… (BEAT) Well, I was also told I’d be getting paid, too.… Read more: Larry Schafer’s Leg Shavers
• Fejjerson Lovesock
  STEVIE: That last one was “Keep Going, I’m Almost There,” from Fejjerson Lovesock’s debut post mortem album, “Sexual Organ,” recorded live in a booth sent plummeting from the back of a plane and into the Pacific. Coming up next: “I Can’t Sing,” from infamous… Read more: Fejjerson Lovesock

worse

I’m publicly hanging
by the tightening threads
of an unraveling mind
someone keeps knitting and knitting.