A BUMPER: THE SORT FOR A LOCAL TELEVISION STATION’S HALLOWEEN HORROR MOVIE MARATHON. GRAPHICS, TIMESLOTS, GENERIC UPBEAT MUSIC.
STEVE:(VOICE-OVER) Tonight, the crazy train makes another stop between sanity and madness for the next chilling installment of “Cinematico Magnifico’s Cinematic Monster Masterpiece Marathon”!
THE MUSIC TRANSITIONS TO SOME CAMPY, YET MENACING DIDDY.
RELEVANT FOOTAGE AND GRAPHICS FOR “AUDREY” APPEAR.
Dr. Howard Fine thought she was just another face in a hotel bar. But when the woman’s face changed, he’s left with only one question, “Who is… Audrey?”
Find out the answer at 5:05, when the nightly scares begin with “Audrey”!
MUSIC TRANSITIONS TO A CAMPY, YET WHOLLY UN-MENACING MELODY.
Then, at 7:05…
RELEVANT FOOTAGE AND GRAPHICS FOR “I’M A MIDDLE-AGED WEREWOLF” APPEAR.
Bronson Pubic-Lice is a man rough around the edges, and too quick to bite. But after a night out with the boys goes horribly wrong, all he really wants to be… is a good boy.
John Jablonksi and Maggie Sex-Pun star in: “I’m a Middle-Aged Werewolf!” A second act… with a twist.
MUSIC TRANSITIONS TO A DISTINCTLY MENACING TUNE.
But then, at 9:05…
RELEVANT FOOTAGE AND GRAPHICS FOR “PUMPKINSTILTSKIN” APPEAR.
All Jack Jacksonnovan wanted was one last Halloween with friends. Now he’s making sure the screams never end!
Elongated Nipples is… Pumpkinstiltskin! You’ll be goard out of your mind!
MUSIC TRANSITIONS TO A COOL, YET UNCOOL CAMPY INDIE 90S VIBE.
And for one last unpleasant scream before bed…
RELEVANT FOOTAGE AND GRAPHICS FOR “THIS GIRL IS POISON!” APPEAR.
…the 90’s comedic action-horror indie cult classic, “This Girl is Poison!” Featuring Allonna Woman as January Embers, a woman on the run from her past and a price on her head. But just when she’s forced to return to her hometown, an evil poisonous cloud threatens to kill everyone!
RETURN OF THE GENERIC, UPBEAT MUSIC.
All this tonight and more all month long as part of “Cinematico Magnifico’s Cinematic Monster Masterpiece Marathon.” Only on Santa Carla Public Television.
STEVE: I’m Steve Arviso, and this is “A Complete Waste of Time.”
MUSIC: A SNATCH OF SOME UP-BEAT DIDDY.
STEVE: On today’s program, we’ll be speaking with Connie McGivens., a local barista and failed piano tuner; fish enthusiast Cyril Shenanigans; and Kyle DeWitt, local con-man and bookie.
But first, a message from our sponsor – Hector’s.
MUSIC: SENTIMENTAL PIANO MUSIC. UP, UNDER.
STEVE: Do you want produce at the lowest price possible? Did you forget your wife’s birthday again? Then stop by Hector’s Oranges and Flowers Boutique. Currently located by the First Street off-ramp in Santa Ana. Hector’s: we have oranges and flowers… and sometimes other things.
02. THE LAST WORD (w/ FINNEGAN HABERDASHER)
MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC.
FINNEGAN: Welcome back to “The Last Word.” I’m your host, Finnegan Haberdasher. Tonight’s last words come from–
SFX: KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
Oh. Excuse me for one moment, folks.
SFX: MORE KNOCKING.
SFX: FINNEGAN STEPS AWAY, OPENS DOOR.
FINNEGAN: (off) Yes, I’m Finnegan Haberdasher. Yes, I know Anita Dickings. What’s this about–
SFX: BANG! A GUNMAN SHOOTS FINNEGAN, FINNEGAN DROPS DEAD.
SFX: THE GUNMAN FLEES, SPEEDS AWAY IN CAR.
MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES. BUT THEN…
SFX: THE GETAWAY CAR CRASHES.
SFX: POLITE APPLAUSE.
MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS OUT FOR A BIT TOO LONG.
03. ON THE HOUR (7PM)
SFX: ANNOYING TICKING. UP, UNDER.
ULYSSES: Welcome back to “On the Hour,” the only program where it’s New Year’s Eve every hour, on the hour. I’m your host, Ulysses S. Scrimshaw.
At the tone, the time will be, precisely, 7 P.M. (a beat, then…) Aaaaand…
SFX: a silly toot of a horn.
ULYSSES: There you have it.
Please remember to keep your celebratory antics respectable. And please, drink in moderation. And if you feel this program may have felt inaccurate, please adjust your clock accordingly and replay this show until satisfied.
I was and still am Ulysses S. Scrimshaw, and this has been “On the Hour.” And we’ll see you again, in, oh, say, fifty-nine minutes.
04. MAKE IT QUICK (ALAN WRENCH)
PORTER: Howdy there folks. I’m Porter House, and welcome to “Make it Quick.” We’re out here in the heart of Keepitdownnow, Wyoming to help today’s special guest, Mr. Alan Wrench. Seems our new friend got himself into quite a bit of trouble recently at the dog races. So, he called us up to… Oh, I think I see Mr. Wrench coming out of his house right now.
SFX: PORTER SHOOTS, KILLS MR. WRENCH.
PORTER: Wasn’t that a beaut?
Welp… that’s all she wrote for this episode of “Make it Quick.” I’m Porter House. And remember, you never hear the one with your name
SFX: PORTER FLEES, SPEEDS OFF IN CAR.
05. THE SOCIETY FOR THE PROLIFERATION OF MORSE CODE
MUSIC: A LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY. UP, UNDER.
HOST: Wasn’t that brilliant, folks? Absolutely brilliant. And we’ll be right back with even of that which I have previously stated to be – and most certainly continues to remain – brilliant.
But first, a word from today’s sponsor – The Society for the Proliferation of Morse Code.
MUSIC: MEDLEY CUTS OFF.
SFX: THE BEEPING AND BOOPING OF SOME NONSENSE IN MORSE CODE.
MUSIC: LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY RETURNS. UP, UNDER.
HOST: Wise words. Very wise words, indeed, from our friends down at SPMC.
Welcome back, everyone. I’m your host, Thumb Upmybutt. And we now return you to another sixty-minutes of uninterrupted screaming and wailing.
MUSIC: MEDLEY CUTS OFF.
SFX: PAINED SCREAMING AND WAILING OF COUNTLESS DAMNED SOULS.
06. A MESSAGE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
MUSIC: BLARING AND PRETENTIOUS “BREAKING NEWS” DIDDY.
SWEETLY: Good evening, I’m Fuhkme Sweetly. As chaos continues to engul our once great nation, the White House has released the following message in the hopes of bridging gaps, mending bridges, and generally stirring the pot.
MESSAGE: (recording) (assorted baboon soundsfollowed bysilly snoring, a cuckoo clock, sawing wood, and a small, whistling steam locomotive)
SWEETLY: Truly a bold and daring message for these challenging times.
I’m Fuhkme Sweetly, and this has been another crushing message from today’s White House. Goodnight, and try not cry too much.
MUSIC: BLARING AND PRETENTIOUS “BREAKING NEWS” DIDDY. UP, OUT.
07. THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF NATURE DOCUMENTARIAN BIFF WELLINGTON BY WAY OF CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH
SOUNDSCAPE: BIFF silently eating a chicken salad sandwich as he stands in a small lake or pond, surrounded by only a lovely stretch of wilderness untainted by man’s hubris.
SFX: Biff chokes, drops dead with a little splash.
A long, uncomfortable silence…
08. ON OUR PROGRAM TODAY (THE SECOND PART)
STEVE: Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for today. Please join us next time, when we’ll be sure to disappoint you even more.
I’m Steve Arviso, and this has been a complete waste of time.
STEVE: Y’ever wonder about the first person to die only for some asshole to come along, look down – or maybe up, I don’t know – wasn’t there. But they look at what’s left of the poor bastard, shake their head, (HALF-HEARTED) “Shame,” (“NORMAL” VOICE) and then continue on with their day as if they hadn’t seen a dead body?
I wonder what they must’ve seen.
Not the dead guy, of course, though I am curious about what he saw too. And I’m sure I’ll see something similar soon enough.
But what about the other guy? What did he see?
Was the corpse still warm?
How many pieces were there, and did they find it all before a bear made off with some?
Did it happen in front of them? Or maybe they came in mid-scene – no context, just a corpse in a cave with too many pine cones up his ass.
STEVE: The most utterly depressing thought I can manage at the moment is… in knowing all this suffering is, quite literally, pointless. All of it. The [INSERT CURRENT HOT TOPIC], the [INSERT RECENT HOT NEWS STORY], [INSERT WORTHLESS, YET UTTERLY STUPID WHATEVER] – all pointless tragedies of equal measure, sure.
And all in the face of certain death. And following that, likely cosmic heat death.
Bit of a hat-on-hat, if you ask me.
I mean, how much deader can it get?
Makes you question the whole divine plan thing. Just a little.
What’s divine about anyone who can’t sort out a decent ending to their work, huh? That’s just sloppy craftsmanship. No love or passion at all. It’s lazy.
And you can’t blame humanity for having to fill in all the blanks. We’re curious things.
I suppose that’s why we always have to touch the fire or attempt a [INSERT THE LATEST SENSITIVE COCKUP OF DISCUSSION] before you realize you’ve made a big oopsie. Or watch someone else try first. See how it goes.
“Oh, [LATEST SENSITIVE COCKUP OF DISCUSSION]? Yeah. Turns out it burns something nasty. Not too bad though – leaves you a bit raw for a day or two. Unless you’ve recorded it like some flaccid halfwit.”
Anyway. I finally got around to watching [INSERT LITERALLY ANY FILM WITH ACTOR BILL HADER]. I think it disappointed me some.
MAGIC DAVE: Ladies and Gentlemen. It’s the dead of night. You don’t know how you got here. (CONSIDERS THIS) Huh. Neither do I. (SHRUGS) Congrats. You found Santa Carla Public Radio. This is “The Magic Hour” with Magic Dave. I’m Magic Dave, we are The Lost, and this is our hour, man.
Lines are open. Give us a call. Let thy sins be known.