Launch Them All Into Space

STEVE: Fact: Every fourteen days, one person dies while attempting to copulate with a shark or lion. One in eleventy succeeds.

Good evening. I’m Not Lying, I Swear, and I come to you this evening on behalf of Launch Them All Into Space. Whether it’s morons feeding themselves to apex predators; creepy, narcissistic, halfwit billionaires; or whichever one of you bastards defecated on my doorstep, Launch Them Into Space is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to sending the worst of us into space with no hope of return. And for only pennies a day, you can provide us with the ammo we so desperately need to swiftly and brutally pelt these self-absorbed, gold-hoarding doorstep defecators into a state of unconsciousness, securely load their bodies onto a rocket, and then, as promised, launch them all into space. Together, we can prove to the world that there is no problem that can’t be solved by strapping it to a cartoonishly large rocket.

Lines are open, my curtains are drawn, and I’ve got a lovely bit of soft jazz playing in the background.

Poopr

STEVE: Hi, I’m what’s wrong with the world today. If you’re like me, you’ve often found yourself consumed with a persistent sense that someone is waiting to sneak up on you, inject you with some sort of drug or chemical that will render you unconscious, and then spirit you away to some distant warehouse where they will either harvest your organs or simply devour you alive, inch by fleshy inch. And also like me, perhaps you also loathe waiting in line to use a filthy public toilet that looks as if God herself was in a rather bad mood the day she saw fit to damn a shaped bit of porcelain to a lifetime of being on the receiving end of American cuisine. In any case, that’s why I use Poopr. (HOLDS UP PHONE) Poopr is an all-new, web-based indentured servant application that allows anyone with far too much money, and far too little shame, to hire some poor bastard to drive across a traffic-choked city so as to squat behind you with an official Poopr canvas bag and collect your feces. Whether you’re at a coffee shop, a public park, or the changing room at your local department store, Poopr will be there to take advantage of a failing economy and the unloved souls who exist within it. Poopr: life has never been squandered quite like this.

Because You Know What

STEVE: We’ll return to more “You Know What? Because the Thing Is…” in just a moment. But first, a quick message from today’s sponsor, Regret.

Have you passed up the chance to ask that cute toilet attendant to the local sex cafe or scifi and collectable toy convention? Did you put off calling an estranged friend or loved one only to discover they’ve recently passed away? Are you harboring old grudges in the dank, dark pits and crevices of your soul as lingering anger and resentment fester and rot away at your foundation?

Other faceless corporations would have you believe that dealing with such things in a timely manner is the healthy thing to do if one wishes to live a full, happy life with what uncertain time we have left on this planet. But we at Existential Crisis dare to ask, “Why deal with something today when you can Regret it tomorrow?”

Suffocating, sleep-depriving, depressive, uncomfortable in all the right and wrong ways, and utterly painful, Regret is the number one choice for anyone too busy avoiding what really matters until it’s far, far too late.

Tomorrow might not be guaranteed, but Regret is forever! Regret, from Existential Crisis. Find it today in the weeping mess you’ve become.

Pedantic

STEVE: Is your spelling in need of minor correction? Perhaps you forget to cite your sources when you made the mistake of sharing an opinion online. Or, maybe you just want others to mind their own damned business while you mind theirs. If so, then sign up now for Pedantic Twattery, the only online social media service guaranteed to increase both your social media engagements and blood-pressure. Pedantic Twattery, simply the worst.

Fejjerson Lovesock

STEVE: That last one was “Keep Going, I’m Almost There,” from Fejjerson Lovesock’s debut post mortem album, “Sexual Organ,” recorded live in a booth sent plummeting from the back of a plane and into the Pacific.

Coming up next: “I Can’t Sing,” from infamous warbler with rich, well-connected parents, Jessie Innuendo; “The Testicle Dialogs,” by someone I don’t know; and Ed G. Musick’s latest lackluster Nu Metal-R&B fusion monstrosity, “See, Brennifer? I Totally Have, Like, Feelings and Shit!”

But first, a word from today’s sponsor, Glory’s Hole. (READS) “Get help. Please.”

(BEAT)

This message was brought to you by Glory’s Hole. Glory’s Hole: Come Inside and Leave With a Smile!

The Society for the Proliferation of Morse Code


THE SOCIETY FOR THE PROLIFERATION OF MORSE CODE

MUSIC: A LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY. UP, UNDER.

SFX: APPLAUSE.

HOST: Wasn’t that brilliant, folks? Absolutely brilliant. And we’ll be right back with even of that which I have previously stated to be, and most certainly continues to remain, brilliant.

But first, a word from today’s sponsor, The Society for the Proliferation of Morse Code.

CUT TO:

SFX: THE BEEPING AND BOOPING OF SOME NONSENSE IN MORSE CODE.

MUSIC: LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY RETURNS. UP, UNDER.

HOST: Wise words. Very wise words, indeed, from our friends down at SPMC.

Welcome back, everyone. I’m your host, Thumb Upmybutt. And we now return you to another sixty-minutes of uninterrupted screaming and wailing.

CUT TO:

SFX: PAINED SCREAMING AND WAILING OF COUNTLESS DAMNED SOULS.

On Our Program Today (Hector’s)


STEVE: I’m Steve Arviso, and this is “A Complete Waste of Time.”

MUSIC: A SNATCH OF SOME UP-BEAT DIDDY.

STEVE: On today’s program, we’ll be speaking with Connie McGivens., a local barista and failed piano tuner; fish enthusiast Cyril Shenanigans; and Kyle DeWitt, local con-man and bookie.

But first, a message from our sponsor – Hector’s.

MUSIC: SENTIMENTAL PIANO MUSIC. UP, UNDER.

STEVE: Do you want produce at the lowest price possible? Did you forget your wife’s birthday again? Then stop by Hector’s Oranges and Flowers Boutique. Currently located by the First Street off-ramp in Santa Ana. Hector’s: we have oranges and flowers… and sometimes other things.