Larry Schafer’s Leg Shavers


LOUIE: Hi ya, folks. I’m Louie Shepherd for Larry Schafer’s Leg Shavers, and you’re listening to… uh, what is this again? (BEAT) No, I was told I’d be given a script to read… (BEAT) Well, I was also told I’d be getting paid, too. But so far, it’s been a lot of… (BEAT) Well, no, I don’t think I am being unfair, if you must know. I think I’m being fairly reasonable all things considered. And I… is this still recording? Well, if it is, you do not have my permission to use any of this, not until we discuss the matter of payment and, uh, what exactly it is I’m supposed to be… (BEAT) Oh, is that right? Well, thank you. Seems we’ve just had a, uh… what is it called? A misunderstanding. If you really are authorized to process payment, then I don’t see why we can’t just finish this up right now. (BEAT) What do you mean it’s good as it is? I haven’t finished reading whatever it is… (BEAT) Oh, is that right? Huh. Well, I can see that it is a waste of time. But if you really are paying me, at least one of us didn’t completely waste it.

Fejjerson Lovesock


STEVIE: That last one was “Keep Going, I’m Almost There,” from Fejjerson Lovesock’s debut post mortem album, “Sexual Organ,” recorded live in a booth sent plummeting from the back of a plane and into the Pacific.

Coming up next: “I Can’t Sing,” from infamous warbler with rich, well-connected parents, Jessie Innuendo; “The Testicle Dialogs,” by someone I don’t know; and Ed G. Musick’s latest lackluster Nu Metal-R&B fusion monstrosity, “See, Brennifer? I Totally Have, Like, Feelings and Shit!”

But first, a word from today’s sponsor, Glory’s Hole. (READS) “Get help. Please.”

(BEAT)

This message was brought to you by Glory’s Hole. Glory’s Hole: Come Inside and Leave With a Smile!

The Society for the Proliferation of Morse Code


MUSIC: A LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY. UP, UNDER.

SFX: APPLAUSE.

HOST: Wasn’t that brilliant, folks? Absolutely brilliant. And we’ll be right back with even of that which I have previously stated to be, and most certainly continues to remain, brilliant.

But first, a word from today’s sponsor, The Society for the Proliferation of Morse Code.

CUT TO:

SFX: THE BEEPING AND BOOPING OF SOME NONSENSE IN MORSE CODE.

MUSIC: LAID BACK LOUNGE MEDLEY RETURNS. UP, UNDER.

HOST: Wise words. Very wise words, indeed, from our friends down at SPMC.

Welcome back, everyone. I’m your host, Thumb Upmybutt. And we now return you to another sixty-minutes of uninterrupted screaming and wailing.

CUT TO:

SFX: PAINED SCREAMING AND WAILING OF COUNTLESS DAMNED SOULS.