MUSIC: FUNKY BEAT. UP, UNDER.
MAGIC DAVE: Ladies and Gentlemen. It’s the dead of night. You don’t know how you got here. (CONSIDERS THIS) Huh. Neither do I. (SHRUGS) Congrats. You found Santa Carla Public Radio. This is “The Magic Hour” with Magic Dave. I’m Magic Dave, we are The Lost, and this is our hour, man.
Lines are open. Give us a call. Let thy sins be known.
FADE.
STEVIE: There was this woman, once. She was a sweetheart, with hair, arms, two-eyes, some of her teeth, and mostly all the other giblets and suchhaveyou.
We didn’t have long together, just a few sciatic-pinching minutes of sloppy, lustless, wholly shameful sexual innuendo-ing.
The next morning, I found myself waking up in a ditch along the northbound lane of Pacific Coast Highway.
Still the best parent-teacher conference I’ve ever accidentally attended.
MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC.
FINNEGAN: Welcome back to “The Last Word.” I’m your host, Finnegan Haberdasher. Tonight’s last words come from–
SFX: KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
Oh. Excuse me for one moment, folks.
SFX: MORE KNOCKING.
SFX: FINNEGAN STEPS AWAY, OPENS DOOR.
FINNEGAN: (OFF) Yes, I’m Finnegan Haberdasher. Yes, I know Anita Dickings. What’s this about–
SFX: BANG! A GUNMAN SHOOTS FINNEGAN, FINNEGAN DROPS DEAD.
SFX: THE GUNMAN FLEES, SPEEDS AWAY IN CAR.
MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES.
BUT THEN…
SFX: THE GETAWAY CAR CRASHES.
SFX: POLITE APPLAUSE.
MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS OUT FOR A BIT TOO LONG.
STEVIE: I’m Steve Arviso, and this is “A Complete Waste of Time.”
MUSIC: A SNATCH OF SOME UP-BEAT DIDDY.
STEVIE: On today’s program, we’ll be speaking with Connie McGivens., a local barista and failed piano tuner; fish enthusiast Cyril Shenanigans; and Kyle DeWitt, local con-man and bookie.
But first, a message from our sponsor – Hector’s.
MUSIC: SENTIMENTAL PIANO MUSIC. UP, UNDER.
STEVIE: Do you want produce at the lowest price possible? Did you forget your wife’s birthday again? Then stop by Hector’s Oranges and Flowers Boutique. Currently located by the First Street off-ramp in Santa Ana. Hector’s: we have oranges and flowers… and sometimes other things.