Unlocked Cars


STEVIE: Podcasts. Whether you make them or listen to them, you’re still wasting your time.

I’m Fine Thankyou, and welcome to the backseat of this unlocked car.

Created in 1982 and later popularized on the Commodore 64, the podcast has evolved from an assortment of fully-produced talk shows and audio blogs to struggling comedians failing to hold their drunk friend’s attention as they blather ceaselessly into their outdated budget smartphones.

Who are these people, and why do they titter on week-after-week before giving up without so much as a second thought after their seventh episode?

Nobody knows. And nobody cares enough to find out.

Make It Quick (Alan Wrench)


SOUNDSCAPE: A REMOTE CORNER OF KEEPITDOWNNOW, WYOMING.

PORTER: Howdy there folks. I’m Porter House, and welcome to “Make it Quick.” We’re out here in the heart of Keepitdownnow, Wyoming to help today’s special guest, Mr. Alan Wrench. Seems our new friend got himself into quite a bit of trouble recently at the dog races. So, he called us up to… Oh, I think I see Mr. Wrench coming out of his house right now.

SFX: PORTER SHOOTS, KILLS MR. WRENCH.

PORTER: Wasn’t that a beaut?

Welp… that’s all she wrote for this episode of “Make it Quick.” I’m Porter House. And remember, you never hear the one with your name on it.

SFX: PORTER FLEES, SPEEDS OFF IN CAR.

On the Hour (7PM)


SFX: ANNOYING TICKING. UP, UNDER.

ULYSSES: Welcome back to “On the Hour,” the only program where it’s New Year’s Eve every hour, on the hour. I’m your host, Ulysses S. Scrimshaw.

At the tone, the time will be, precisely, 7 P.M. (A BEAT, THEN…) Aaaaand…

SFX: A SILLY TOOT OF A HORN.

ULYSSES: There you have it.

Please remember to keep your celebratory antics respectable. And please, drink in moderation. And if you feel this program may have felt inaccurate, please adjust your clock accordingly and replay this show until satisfied.

I was and still am Ulysses S. Scrimshaw, and this has been “On the Hour.” And we’ll see you again, in, oh, say, fifty-nine minutes. Goodbye.

The Magic Hour (w/ Magic Dave)


MUSIC: FUNKY BEAT. UP, UNDER.

MAGIC DAVE: Ladies and Gentlemen. It’s the dead of night. You don’t know how you got here. (CONSIDERS THIS) Huh. Neither do I. (SHRUGS) Congrats. You found Santa Carla Public Radio. This is “The Magic Hour” with Magic Dave. I’m Magic Dave, we are The Lost, and this is our hour, man.

Lines are open. Give us a call. Let thy sins be known.

FADE.

The Last Word (w/ Finnegan Haberdasher)


MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC.

FINNEGAN: Welcome back to “The Last Word.” I’m your host, Finnegan Haberdasher. Tonight’s last words come from–

SFX: KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

Oh. Excuse me for one moment, folks.

SFX: MORE KNOCKING.

SFX: FINNEGAN STEPS AWAY, OPENS DOOR.

FINNEGAN: (OFF) Yes, I’m Finnegan Haberdasher. Yes, I know Anita Dickings. What’s this about–

SFX: BANG! A GUNMAN SHOOTS FINNEGAN, FINNEGAN DROPS DEAD.

SFX: THE GUNMAN FLEES, SPEEDS AWAY IN CAR.

MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES.

BUT THEN…

SFX: THE GETAWAY CAR CRASHES.

SFX: POLITE APPLAUSE.

MUSIC: PEPPY, YET TERRIBLE SYNTH-ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS OUT FOR A BIT TOO LONG.

On Our Program Today (Hector’s)


STEVIE: I’m Steve Arviso, and this is “A Complete Waste of Time.”

MUSIC: A SNATCH OF SOME UP-BEAT DIDDY.

STEVIE: On today’s program, we’ll be speaking with Connie McGivens., a local barista and failed piano tuner; fish enthusiast Cyril Shenanigans; and Kyle DeWitt, local con-man and bookie.

But first, a message from our sponsor – Hector’s.

MUSIC: SENTIMENTAL PIANO MUSIC. UP, UNDER.

STEVIE: Do you want produce at the lowest price possible? Did you forget your wife’s birthday again? Then stop by Hector’s Oranges and Flowers Boutique. Currently located by the First Street off-ramp in Santa Ana. Hector’s: we have oranges and flowers… and sometimes other things.