STEVIE: In local news, Debbie Percocet-Addiction, of 6 7/8ths E. Who Gives a Shit, failed to listen to all the times I warned her about leaving her garbage cans in front of my driveway. But she just wouldn’t listen, and now the whole city knows she deserved to be pelted with assorted peels and used toiletries early this morning as I left home for the studio. How does it feel, Debbie, to be covered in peels and used toiletries? I bet it feels way worse than if you’d just listened the first twelve times. I hope it does. I hope it feels way, way worse. You’re covered in trash, Debbie. I bet it’s still in your hair. Imagine what I’ll do next week if I catch those damned garbage cans of yours in my driveway again. I don’t care if your son left them there. It’s your house, Debbie. He’s your son. Take care of your trash, Debbie. Before I take care of him for you.
AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
Up next: Do you know where your child is? We speak with several parents who also failed to heed my warnings and now their children are in a perpetual state of existence and nonexistence.
STEVIE: Those looking for a weekend getaway before the next blood moon, be advised the southern bridge out of town is currently experiencing an existential crisis and cannot, for the time being, carry the weight of so many people’s expectations. Those hoping to flee north, do know that you must not only take the right turns at the right roads while also possessing the Talisman of Shalamazoo, as failure to do so will result in your inexplicably re-entering town via the southern bridge. Maps can be found hidden somewhere in K’glah Sh’lah Elementary. And rumor has it the talisman is to be uncovered somewhere in the laundry pile in the bedroom of the apartment Casey Miller used to share with his girlfriend before she disappeared without a trace one chilly summer night last December.
STEVIE: In local sports, Fibonacci High School brutally massacred Meatloaf Memorial High last night. Local and federal agencies are still hard at work trying to piece together what caused this unfortunate incident. Rumors are floating around that it had to do with some sort of sporting activity, but no official word as of this morning. The current casualty count stands at six students, seven school officials, and eight stray cats used as bludgeoning tools.
STEVIE: Breaking news tonight out of Itchyfoot, Colorado. Police are currently searching for Babyface Brennifer, a thirty-seven year old aspiring business owner and alleged fish strangler, currently wanted in several states for a number of offenses, up to and including: grand theft cannibalism, armed surgery, and napping without a license. Those with any information on where I might find a used copy of Bill Billiamson’s classic erotic scifi novella, “Probe Me Like You Mean It,” are asked to please call back at a later time.
But first, a message from tonight’s sponsor – Pornography. Pornography, it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
STEVIE: Today marks the third week of eternal darkness in Santa Carla. Attempts to contact the outside world continue to prove fruitless, and people have long resorted to cannibalism despite store shelves inexplicably restocked every morning. Officials at Santa Carla Community College are yet to confirm a precise explanation for what has been the end of life as we know it, but one official anonymously commented that it may have something to do with the ritual sacrifice at this year’s Founder’s Day celebration. Carl Bloodletter, a representative for Santa Carla Parks and Recreation, denies any responsibilities.