And Scene.

The following is a one-scene, two-person play reflecting our current political climate. Enjoy.


INT. FBI HQ/OFFICE – DAY

A tired, annoyed, overworked, and nearly broken AGENT sits at her desk.

Her telephone RINGS.

She sighs, rolls her eyes, and then answers it.

AGENT

Hello, this is Agent--

A VOICE speaks to her on the other line--an all-too familiar one.

VOICE

Yeah, not important. This is Donald J.-- I mean, this is Donnie. Donnie...nevermind.

AGENT

Okay... what’s this about, “Donnie”?

DONNIE

Yeah, I’m calling about the million dollar reward for any evidence that leads to the capture of any Russian colluders. I’ve got evidence. Tons of it. Not that there is any collusion. But if there were--not that there is, but if there were--I’ve got all ya need.

AGENT

Uh, thank you? But we don’t have any sort of reward--

DONNIE

Look, don’t screw with me, Sweet Cheeks. I know stuff. Lots of stuff. You wouldn’t believe the sort of stuff I know. I watch a lot of TV, okay? You guys always have rewards for this sort of thing. I know it. Lots of people know it, okay?

AGENT

Okay...

DONNIE

Okay.

An uncomfortable silence.

AGENT

So...?

DONNIE

What’s that? Oh, right the collusion thing. Yeah, well, I know Michael Flynn lied to the FBI about colluding with Russia.

AGENT

And you know this how?

DONNIE

I was there. Right there. Saw him do it with my own eyes.

AGENT

You saw him do it.

DONNIE

That’s right.

Another silence.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

Hello? Sweetie, are you there?

The Agent is gobsmacked by the sheer stupidity of it all.

DONNIE

(to someone else off the phone)

No. No, I don’t think the line disconnected. She’s probably double-checking on the amount of that reward. Must be a lot. No, I’m telling you, she’s still gotta be on the line.

(beat)

What? Self-incrimi-what-now? No, this is an anonymous tip line.

(beat)

Uh-huh. How are they gonna send me a reward if I didn’t tell them--look, I gave them my first name, of course. I’m not a complete idiot. Okay? Look, I’m the goddamn President of the United--

AGENT

Donnie?

DONNIE

(still to someone else)

See? That’s her right now.

(to Agent)

Yes, Sweetie? You got that sweet, sweet cash from the F.B.I. for good ol’ D.J.T.?

AGENT

Sir, with all due respect, you’re a fucking idiot.

DONNIE

Yeah, I get that a lot. So, what about the money?

THE END.

Missed Connections – Ep. 3


Steve performs a romantic reading of a post from Craigslist’s Missed Connections, because true love comes in all shapes, sizes, and shades of creepy.

On this episode, we hear from a man infatuated with a particular blonde at a particular sandwich shop.

There is Romance Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0


Download the latest bits and pieces from Steve on SoundCloud. Or stream the latest compilations of LtPA over on MixCloud!

Missed Connections – Ep. 2


Steve performs a romantic reading of a post from Craigslist’s Missed Connections, because true love comes in all shapes, sizes, and shades of creepy.

On this episode, a man yearns for a woman with bow-legged kids.

There is Romance Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


Download the latest bits and pieces from Steve on SoundCloud. Or stream the latest compilations of LtPA over on MixCloud!

Missed Connections – Ep. 1


Steve performs a romantic reading of a post from Craigslist’s Missed Connections, because true love comes in all shapes, sizes, and shades of creepy.

On this episode, a man yearns for an especially gassy beauty.

MUSIC:
There is Romance Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


Download the latest bits and pieces from Steve on SoundCloud. Or stream the latest compilations of LtPA over on MixCloud!

My Friend John.

This my friend John:

“Hi, John!”

Don’t worry, his face is perfectly fine. John just likes to make funny faces when he thinks nobody’s looking. I don’t think he noticed anyone was holding the camera!

My friend John likes to make funny faces and look into cameras because he’s an actor. He’s been on TV!

John says being an actor is hard work.

One time, I asked John if being an actor is just playing pretend for grown-ups. And John hit me with a steel folding chair and asked me if that felt like playing pretend. It didn’t. John’s so smart!

Sometimes, John has to cut his hair and shave for his auditions. He says showering washes away the good luck, so he doesn’t bother with that much. But that’s okay, because he’s helping to conserve water too!

This is how John shaved today:

“Hi, John’s mustache!”

He’s really excited about his audition!

Sometimes, John posts his pictures on the internet for all of his friends to see. He lets me see them too if I promise to leave him alone! John’s such a swell guy!

I like to leave messages on John’s pictures to let him know we are friends!

Here are some of the things I wrote to John for his mustache picture!

Lieutenant Dangle has not taken well to early retirement from the Reno sheriffs…

The look of a man who’s daughter has just shit-talked his loyal Dodge Stratus…

This is the guy who just heard he was passed up yet again for the manager’s position at the carpet store, pretends it doesn’t bother him at all, turns back to his work, thinks better of it, and then, in a soft voice (so as to not be overheard), rants a bit to his nearest coworker. Seriously, do they even realize how little Ted does around here? Come on!

This is the guy who just heard for the second time today, “Sorry, Sir. But we only have Coke…”

A man is having lunch with his daughter who is graduating next fall with a Bachelors in Accounting. And then, as he’s about to sip his coffee, he instead looks up and makes this face just as she finishes saying, “So, I was thinking of changing my major to Fine Arts…”

It’s that guy from the Canadian remake of Parks and Rec, Swan Johnson. Ya know, the dude who likes lunch food, shopping for handmade goods, and loves his government because they offer free healthcare.

This is definitely a man who has been been ordering the soup and half-sandwich at the local diner every day for the last 15 years. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t plan on ordering anything different. He just slurps that soup, cleaning out his mustache after every spoonful.

Anthony is our friend, too! Anthony likes to make jokes and talk to girls. Ew!

I’m pretty sure this is the man who sold Anthony Pulcini *that* van…

This is the look of a man who just got finished telling the owner of a boutique cafe and bookstore that he’s going to be giving them a bad review on Yelp! after they failed to acquire for him the latest Tom Clancy novel.

“What do you mean this is comedy night? I drove all the way here for a beer and to watch the ****ing game.”

“But I have a coupon…”

“Is there anyone else here I can talk to?”

This is Gerald Thompson, a hobbyist taxidermist from a small town in Colorado who keeps to himself mostly and is often referred to by his neighbors as that “nice man” from across the way. No one is sure what he does for a living, nor is anyone willing to ask on those Sunday afternoons when he mows his lawn with a small pushmower. When asked why he doesn’t just buy a gas-powered mower, he can only smile with the corner of his mouth and say, “I like to use my hands.”

Once when Gerald’s ten-year old neighbor stopped by as Gerald was mowing the lawn, the boy shared that he loved the smell of freshly cut grass. Without missing a beat, Gerald shared his favorite bit of trivia, which was this: the smell of freshly cut grass is a sort of distress signal, a defense response that sends a rush of chemicals through the grass to help the wounds seal faster. In a manner of speaking, that smell is the grass screaming in pain and fear.

The boy stood there for a moment, unsure what to say.

And then, Gerald, his eyes never breaking with the boy’s, spoke. “I like the smell of freshly cut grass too.”

The boy left and never spoke with Gerald Thompson ever again. Not until that fateful night. The night of the high school homecoming dance.

John liked this last one so much he wrote me a note back!

IF I END UP IN A POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM BECAUSE OF THIS POST I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU

I’m so lucky that John and I are such good friends!

THE END.