You Wyvern, You Lose Some

SOUNDSCAPE: A LOVELY SWATH OF FANTASY COUNTRYSIDE.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) In the land of Exposition, a stagecoach coaches across the Valley of Setting…

SFX: A STAGECOACH COACHES ACROSS THE STAGE.

BRADDADOCIOUS: I certainly home we didn’t waste my time coming here, Chadthony. If the President of the Land of Exposition Board of Directors himself can’t approve the plans for my new electric horse factory, I’m going to be out a lot of money.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Braddadocious Richmanson, heir to the Richmanson family orphan-blood mine fortune.

CHADTHONY: I know, Brad. I know. But I have known the President for a very long time. And while Guilty B. Association certainly may be a fool, an idiot, and a war criminal, he’s not stupid. He’ll do as he’s told.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Senator Chadthony Screwem, elected representative of the City of Pushover and collector of lost souls.

CHADTHONY: Also, I picked up this lovely thing while we were in the capital.

LOST SOUL: (INCOHERENT PAINED WAILING)

CHADTHONY: (CHUCKLES) I think the girl at the shop said this one was an erotic fruit painter, or something. (TO TIM) What did you get up to, Tim?

TIM: I watched the ladies dance.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) And Tim, local small business owner and voter against his own interest.

BRADDADOCIOUS: (TO NARRATOR) Alright, alright. I think everyone gets it – the three of us are a bunch of real bastards. No need to be such a farting pill about it.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Sorry.

BRADDADOCIOUS: Yes, well… You ought to be. People like you are always prattling on about things that matter to you and making pointed statements of the abuses you suffer at the hands of men like us. But you never stop to think that maybe we’re more than the shallow caricatures of selfishness, violence, and treachery that we make ourselves out to be, do you?

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) No. No, I guess I never really–

SFX: THE STAGECOACH SCREECHES TO A HALT, ROCKS CABIN.

BRADDADOCIOUS: Genitals!

CHADTHONY: Dammit all! Do you know how much child labor it’ll take to get Lost Soul out of this?

TIM: Mr. Senator, would it help matters any if I increase my donations to your re-election fund?

CHADTHONY: (CONSIDERS THIS) No, but you probably should do that anyway.

TIM: ‘kay.

BRADDADOCIOUS: Driver, what the Hell is going on out there?

DRIVER: (OFF) Sirs, there’s a bit of a problem on the road.

BRADDADOCIOUS: Well, either go around it or run it over.

WYVERN: (ROARS)

CHADTHONY: Oh, my stars and bars…

TIM: If I double my donations and let you increase my taxes, can you make this go away?

CHADTHONY: Triple it.

TIM: Deal.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) The problem, as it turns out, is a rather large, yet ill-tempered–

BRADDADOCIOUS: Dragon!

WYVERN: (SNARLS)

DRIVER: (OFF) Wyvern, actually.

BRADDADOCIOUS: I beg your pardon?

DRIVER: (OFF) Yeah, it’s a fairly common misunderstanding. Ya see, Dragon’s are much larger and typically have four legs while Wyverns are smaller, more agile, and only have–

SFX: KA-BOOM!

BRADDADOCIOUS: What can it possibly be this time?!

DRIVER: (OFF) I ain’t sure, Sir. But there was a streak of light across the sky just now, and then it–

WYVERN: (DEATH WAILS)

SFX: WYVERN DROPS DEAD.

DRIVER: (OFF) Yup. Killed that wyvern dead.

TIM: Anyone else hear a ringing?

CHADTHONY: Let me privatize your healthcare and I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.

TIM: Deal!

BRADDADOCIOUS: I’ll give you fifty bucks for the rights to that dragon’s corpse.

DRIVER: (OFF) Wyvern.

BRADDADOCIOUS: (TO DRIVER) Okay, okay. (TO CHADTHONY) I’ll give you fifty bucks for the rights to that wyvern’s corpse.

CHADTHONY: Deal!

DRIVER: (OFF) Sirs, I think someone’s flying over this way!

BRADDADOCIOUS: I’m sorry, did you say “flying”?

DRIVER: (OFF) Yes, Sir.

BRADDADOCIOUS: Right, just making sure.

SFX: A PASSING WIND.

TIM: Look! It’s some kinda short, stocky woman in a crazy outfit!

SFX: WINTER LANDS WITH A GRUNT.

WYNNTER: (OFF) (EXCITED) You guys saw that crazy shot, right? That had to be at least a solid half-mile!

BRADDADOCIOUS: You there – the short, stocky woman who killed my dragon!

DRIVER: (OFF) Wyvern.

BRADDADOCIOUS: We get it!

SFX: WYNNTER APPROACHES THE STAGECOACH.

WYNNTER: This is your wyvern?

BRADDADOCIOUS: Yes, I purchased the rights to it mere moments before you carelessly shot it dead.

WYNNTER: Sorry about that. I didn’t see a collar on it.

CHADTHONY: Young lady, you saved us from that terrible lizard!

WYNNTER: Huh? But he just said–

BRADDADOCIOUS: Nevermind that. Miss, I’ll forgive your reckless destruction of my personal property in exchange for the rights to calling myself the hero of this little vignette.

WYNNTER: Hey, you’re that guy who makes whatever an electric horse is!

CHADTHONY: What’s your name, young lady?

WYNNTER: Oh. I’m Wynnter Fyre. Nice to meet ya.

CHADTHONY: The pleasure’s ours, I assure you. I’m Senator Screwem from the City of Pushover. Miss Wynnter, how can my associates and I ever thank you?

WYNNTER: (CONSIDERS THIS) I guess money’s pretty good.

BRADDADOCIOUS: (CLEARS THROAT) I’m, uh… I’m afraid we don’t have much money on us. All tied up in the stalk market, I’m afraid.

WYNNTER: Stalk?

BRADDADOCIOUS: Corn, mostly.

WYNNTER: That’s okay. I’ll just take whatever you got on ya.

BRADDADOCIOUS: You’re not very heroic, are you?

WYNNTER: Oh, that’s because I’m not.

BRADDADOCIOUS: You’re not?

WYNNTER: No, but I am robbing you.

CHADTHONY: What?

SFX: SHOTGUN COCKS.

DRIVER: Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to walk away now.

WYNNTER: Are you really aiming a shotgun at a woman who just downed a wyvern with one shot from a half-mile away?

DRIVER: Yes, Ma’am.

WYNNTER: Right. Just checking.

DRIVER: Sorry, Ma’am. I don’t care much for these men…

TIM: Ouch…

DRIVER: (TO TIM) Sorry, Tim. (TO WYNNTER) But they are my customers. And I have a duty to protect them.

WYNNTER: (SIGHS) Memmer…

SFX: WOM-WOM-WOM! MAGIC HYPNO-EYE SOUNDS!

DRIVER: Ma’am, I don’t know what you’re doing with your eyes, but… (SOBS) But, uh… I really… (SNIFFS) Oh… Oh, no…

BRADDADOCIOUS: What is this? What’s going on? Why is that man showing me his feelings?

DRIVER: I remember… I, I remember that time… Why did he have to leave me? I was a good kid!

CHADTHONY: Oh, this isn’t good.

WYNNTER: Heartbreaking, really. I unlocked some of his repressed memories and emotions.

SFX: DRIVER RUNS OFF.

DRIVER: (OFF) (SOBBING) Daddy! Come back, Daddy! I’ll be better! I promise!

WYNNTER: So, Gentlemen… About that money?

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Several minutes and small fortunes later…

SFX: STAGECOACH SPEEDS OFF.

WYNNTER: You’re a natural, Tim! Just be careful with all that horsepower! (A BEAT) Hey. You can get up now.

WYVERN: (STIRS AWAKE)

WYNNTER: Yeah. I think it went better than expected.

WYVERN: (GRUNTS)

WYNNTER: What? Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, I think we got everything of value from them now.

WYVERN: (GRUNTS)

WYNNTER: Uh-huh. I will. You have fun, ‘kay?

WYVERN: (GRUNTS)

SFX: WYVERN FLIES OFF.

A BEAT. THEN…

SFX: WYVERN ATTACKS IN THE DISTANCE.

WYNNTER: (SIGHS) Today was a productive day.

IT’S OVER.