What’s That In Your Hand?

STEVE: Hi there. Welcome to “What’s That in Your Hand?” the only show that dares to ask, “What’s that in your hand?”

Our guest today is Randy Sexpants, local newspaper thief and public nudist. Thank you for making time for us, Randy.

RANDY: Oh. Please, call me, “Derek.”

STEVE: No.

RANDY: You’re no fun.

STEVE: That’s certainly what my wife tells me.

RANDY: She does?

STEVE: Maybe. Anyway… (SHAKES SMALL BOTTLE)

RANDY: What’s that in your hands?

STEVE: This, Mr. Sexpants, is a bottle of Chlamydia LaPierre’s Old Fashioned Tactical Blinding Spray. Would you like a demonstration?

RANDY: (SHRUGS) Sure. Why not?

STEVE SPRAYS, PAINFULLY BLINDS HIMSELF.

RANDY: (TO AUDIENCE) Morons: they wander our streets, blinding themselves with Tactical Blinding Spray for reasons we will never fully understand. But for as little as nothing a day, you too can stand idly by and watch in bewildered bemusement as a moron blinds themself with Tactical Blinding Spray for reasons we will never fully understand.

STEVE: I think I need a doctor.

RANDY: I’m sure you do.