MOTHER SISTER, A NUN, SUNBATHES WITH A FULL COOLER OF BEER. FATHER BROTHER, A PRIEST, ENTERS.
FATHER: Good morning, Mother Sister.
MOTHER: Good morning, Father Brother.
FATHER: Do you happen to have any more of those domestic infants in stock?
MOTHER: Oh, dear. Who talked to the papers this time?
FATHER: No, no. It’s not that sort of thing.
MOTHER: Thank Heavens.
FATHER: No, there’s been another baptismal drowning.
FATHER: Afraid so.
MOTHER: When did this happen? How are the parents?
FATHER: Just a moment ago, actually. (GESTURES) The parents are still waiting. They think I’ve gone to the toilet. So, I’m in a bit of a hurry. If you’re out of stock, any of the younger orphans should do.
MOTHER: You can’t just swap that dead baby for another one.
FATHER: Why not?
MOTHER: The parents might notice.
FATHER: Don’t be ridiculous.
MOTHER: It’s true. I saw it in a documentary.
FATHER: What documentary?
MOTHER: (CONSIDERS THIS) I forget.
FATHER: Well. It’s still worth a try. So, do you have any you can spare?
MOTHER: Yes, I think so. But I can’t help feeling this is a bit wrong.
MOTHER: Yes. Sinful, even. (GESTURES) He’s watching, you know.
FATHER: Who’s watching?
MOTHER: God, of course.
FATHER: (SCOFFS) Come now, Mother Sister. No need to bring religion into this.
MOTHER: Fair enough.
FATHER: Besides. Where in the Bible does it say a nun or a priest can’t replace one drowned child for a different, less unalive one for the sake of skirting responsibilities? Hmm?
MOTHER: I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. It’s a fairly big book.
FATHER: Yes, well, I’ve skimmed through the admittedly large book, and I’m mostly certainly there’s nothing of the sort in there.
MOTHER: Feels like a strange oversight, doesn’t it?
FATHER: It does.
MOTHER: (SIGHS) Oh, alright.
MOTHER: Any particular make or model in mind?
FATHER: Whatever’s fresh. Nothing too ripe.
MOTHER: I think I know just the one.