We’ll Have Nun of That

MOTHER SISTER, A NUN, SUNBATHES WITH A FULL COOLER OF BEER. FATHER BROTHER, A PRIEST, ENTERS.

FATHER: Good morning, Mother Sister.

MOTHER: Good morning, Father Brother.

FATHER: Do you happen to have any more of those domestic infants in stock?

MOTHER: Oh, dear. Who talked to the papers this time?

FATHER: No, no. It’s not that sort of thing.

MOTHER: Thank Heavens.

FATHER: No, there’s been another baptismal drowning.

MOTHER: Again?

FATHER: Afraid so.

MOTHER: When did this happen? How are the parents?

FATHER: Just a moment ago, actually. (GESTURES) The parents are still waiting. They think I’ve gone to the toilet. So, I’m in a bit of a hurry. If you’re out of stock, any of the younger orphans should do.

MOTHER: You can’t just swap that dead baby for another one.

FATHER: Why not?

MOTHER: The parents might notice.

FATHER: Don’t be ridiculous.

MOTHER: It’s true. I saw it in a documentary.

FATHER: What documentary?

MOTHER: (CONSIDERS THIS) I forget.

FATHER: Well. It’s still worth a try. So, do you have any you can spare?

MOTHER: Yes, I think so. But I can’t help feeling this is a bit wrong.

FATHER: Wrong?

MOTHER: Yes. Sinful, even. (GESTURES) He’s watching, you know.

FATHER: Who’s watching?

MOTHER: God, of course.

FATHER: (SCOFFS) Come now, Mother Sister. No need to bring religion into this.

MOTHER: Fair enough.

FATHER: Besides. Where in the Bible does it say a nun or a priest can’t replace one drowned child for a different, less unalive one for the sake of skirting responsibilities? Hmm?

MOTHER: I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. It’s a fairly big book.

FATHER: Yes, well, I’ve skimmed through the admittedly large book, and I’m mostly certainly there’s nothing of the sort in there.

MOTHER: Feels like a strange oversight, doesn’t it?

FATHER: It does.

MOTHER: (SIGHS) Oh, alright.

FATHER: Wonderful.

MOTHER: Any particular make or model in mind?

FATHER: Whatever’s fresh. Nothing too ripe.

MOTHER: I think I know just the one.