The Job: “Twin-Beds” Jablonski

A CITY SKYLINE.

TWIN-BEDS: (VOICE-OVER) It’s never easy being a champion. And it is a heavy title and responsibility that I take very, very seriously.

CUT TO:

JOHN “TWIN-BEDS” JABLONSKI STANDS IN A MOTEL PARKING LOT, HOLDING THE EL DORADO INN HOT TUB, CABLE TV, AND WI-FI CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE BELT.

TWIN-BEDS: I’m John “Twin-Beds” Jablonski, and I’m the El Dorado Inn Hot Tub, Cable TV, and Wi-Fi Champion.

CUT TO:

TWIN-BEDS’ MOTEL ROOM. HE’S STILL WEARING THE BELT.

TWIN-BEDS: This is actually my third reign as El Dorado Inn Hot Tub, Cable TV, and Wi-Fi Champion.

My first run was back in 2009, lasting nine-and-a-half weeks. I was coming off a bad breakup, and the El Dorado was the only place I could afford. The previous champion, Eric “Seltzer Water” Anderson, had just been evicted that afternoon, and I was the first one who checked-in after that. I lost it when I fell asleep at the pool and some tourists took photos with me as I slept. The mom didn’t realize her foot on my chest was, by El Dorado Inn official rules and guidelines, an official pin. I tried fighting it, but was escorted off the premises shortly after by security.

Then I found myself back here in 2015, after I lost my job stealing airport luggage. I won the title again a short time later from a recently divorced father of three. Sure, maybe the guy needed the money more than I did. And sure, maybe it was a bit rude to interrupt his bi-monthly supervised visit with his kids by blinding him with some bottle of toilet cleaner I swiped from the housekeeping cart in the hallway and taking away his sole source of income and personal dignity as he lie beneath me, screaming about how he couldn’t see, and his kids crying about me hurting their daddy. But that’s the job, ya know? Don’t climb the mountain if you aren’t ready to be blinded and thrown off the top.

CUT TO:

THE MOTEL PARKING LOT. TWIN-BEDS IS PERHAPS A LITTLE TOO ATTACHED TO THE BELT.

TWIN-BEDS:  I don’t do it for the money. (BEAT) I mean, I do. But it’s not much.

CLERK: (OFF) Excuse me? Twin-Beds? Mr. Jablonski?

TWIN-BEDS: (TO CLERK) What’s up?

CLERK ENTERS, APPROACHES.

CLERK: Hi. Sorry. But, uh… Your credit card declined.

TWIN-BEDS: Did you call Debbie? Everything should’ve been sorted out Thursday with Debbie.

CLERK: She said she isn’t covering your room anymore. The manager said they’re going to need you out by eight tomorrow morning. You can leave the belt on your bed.

A SILENCE.

TWIN-BEDS: Where am I supposed to go?

CLERK: I’m sorry, Twin-Beds. But they don’t pay me enough for this shit.

CLERK EXITS.

ANOTHER SILENCE.

TWIN-BEDS: (SIGHS) Checkout isn’t even till noon…