Turgid Storage

STEVE: That last one was, “A Rather Distinct Lack of Talent,” from Luis Bowel-Movement. Still to come, the latest hits from Samanda, Warm Sensation, and Brennifer Lackluster. But first, a word from our sponsor, “Turgid Storage.”

STEVE PULLS OUT A LETTER.

(READS) “Hi, this is Tomathon Turgid, owner of Turgid Storage for the last thirty years. This message is to inform the locals and bitter former customers who knew me for the greedy, cold, heartless bastard that I was, that I have finally taken that vacation you lot have insisted on for years, flown myself to Hawaii, and thrown myself headfirst into an active volcano. Please, make no attempts to alert officials or to collect your belongings from your storage units. By the time whichever idiot they pay to read this on the air realizes what they’re doing, I will have already been consumed by the beautiful lava flows of Mount Kilauea. Also, I already auctioned off everyone’s units. Tickets aren’t cheap, and neither is bribing a pilot to fly me straight over an active volcano with the explicit purpose of throwing myself out of the moving airplane and into the aforementioned active volcano. You’re probably all wondering why I’ve done this, and it’s because I found Charlie Oralfixation dead in his unit the other day, alone, surrounded by the dried corpses of several cats, his rather impressive, if incomplete collection of Masters of the Universe action figures, and more bottles and bags of urine than I care to remember. So many, I suppose, that I’ve decided to throw myself into an active volcano from the sheer sight of it all. Goodbye, and please, someone remove Charlie’s corpse from his unit, or he will be auctioned off at the end of the month.”