Tickson Flea Market

A FLEA MARKET. ROBERT, CLOAKED IN ODD RAGS, SKULKS ABOUT THEIR BOOTH OF ASSORTED, YET UTTERLY UNSORTED, SORDID KNICKKNACKS.

ROBERT: (TO AUDIENCE) Hello, I’m Robert, the humble proprietor of this booth, located far too close to the dank closets they call restrooms here at the Tickson Flea Market. I offer to you an assortment of unsorted, yet sordid stories, a litany of lessons learned much too late, a plethora of pain and suffering, and a menagerie of morbid miscellaneous. But I must warn you, there are no refunds or exchanges.

A CUSTOMER ENTERS, PICKS UP SOMETHING FROM THE VARIOUS PILES.

CUSTOMER: How much is this?

ROBERT: Five dollars.

CUSTOMER: I’ll give you a buck for it.

A PAUSE.

ROBERT: Fine.

CUSTOMER: Cool.

CUSTOMER HANDS ROBERT A DOLLAR, EXITS.

ROBERT: (SHAKES HEAD) He’s really going to regret that when his genitals fall off. (TO AUDIENCE) As I was saying… Every item here is cursed by dark spirits, plagued by poltergeists…

CUSTOMER #2 ENTERS.

…varying moral quandaries, ethical whatevers, uncomfortable twists of fortune and nipple alike, and the occasional act of vengeance from beyond the grave. Nasty stuff, really.

CUSTOMER #2 HOLDS UP A VHS CASSETTE.

CUSTOMER #2: Excuse me.

ROBERT: Yes?

CUSTEROM #2: How much for the signed VHS copy of Masters of the Universe featuring Dolph Lundgren?

ROBERT: Fifty bucks, and your body will wither away with every passing moment until, by the time the credits roll, you’re only dust and bits of bone.

CUSTOMER #2: (CONSIDERS THIS) How do I know this is actually Frank Langella’s autograph?

ROBERT: Forty bucks.

CUSTOMER #2: I think I saw it going for thirty online.

ROBERT SNATCHES THE VHS COPY OF MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE FROM CUSTOMER #2’s HANDS.

ROBERT: Then you are welcome to get the hell out of my booth and make your unholy pact with the devil that is Ebay.

CUSTOMER #2 SHRUGS, LEAVES.

(TO AUDIENCE) Some people have no respect for the sanctity of the flea market. I have to make a living too, ya know. It’s not easy selling cursed items and harsh life lessons for reasonable prices. Not in this economy. In fact, just the other–

CUSTOMER #3 ENTERS.

CUSTOMER #3: I’m sorry, but can you point me to the restroom?

ROBERT: (GESTURES) Back the way you came, make a right at John’s Used Car Seats and Hair Products, and it’ll be there on your left. You’ll know it when you smell it.

CUSTOMER #3: Thank you.

CUSTOMER #3 EXITS.

ROBERT: (TO AUDIENCE) He wouldn’t thank me if he knew what it looked like in there.