The Job: Sack Lunch

A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING RING.

ENTER ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER: (INTO MICROPHONE) In a high school gym in a town lost among the weed- and bramble-choked hills, where the streets are cracked and broken, and the people there… more or less the same as its streets, we present to you a tale of hurt, betrayal, and more hurt.

GENERIC ROCK MUSIC FILLS THE HIGH SCHOOL GYM.

ENTER TERRY OF THE GRAVEYARD, DRESSED AS A HUMBLE EMPLOYEE OF THE LOCAL CORNER DRUGSTORE.

Terry of the Graveyard, son of Gordie the Accountant and Breastua the Mighty, worker of the graveyard shift down at Nippleson’s Drug Emporium and Liquor Library, lover of pills, and sniffer of glue!

MUSIC CEASES.

ANNOUNCER HOLDS MICROPHONE AS TERRY SPEAKS INTO IT.

TERRY: (INTO MICROPHONE) Woe unto the poor soul who ate from my packed lunch which held mine reuben on marble rye, a baggie of cookies, and boxed juice of the fruit cocktail variety! Shame unto the damned, blasted, and damned soul who would take of my lunch without so much as reading my name that was clearly written in plain English on the brown sack in which it was held! And short be their days, as I, Terry of the Graveyard, seek not only reimbursement of lunch lost, but battle to satiate my hunger and blood to quench my thirst!

ANNOUNCER: (INTO MICROPHONE) What manner of beast or man or man or beast would take of another’s lunch so? Who among us dare to touch another man’s sack without permission?

TERRY: (INTO MICROPHONE) It was… It was… Oh, but it breaks mine heart in twain to say, but it was…

DIFFERENT GENERIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.

ENTER MANAGER MIKE.

ANNOUNCER: (INTO MICROPHONE) Mike, Manager of the Late Nights and occasionally of the evening when The One They Call Katie unexpectedly, yet expectedly calls out!

MUSIC CEASES.

MIKE: (INTO MICROPHONE) It is I, Manager Mike, and none other!

ANNOUNCER: (INTO MICROPHONE) Twas you who stole of the lunch engraved with the name of Terry of the Graveyard?

MIKE: (INTO MICROPHONE) Lies upon lies upon falsehoods upon unsubstantiated untruths!

TERRY: (INTO MICROPHONE) Nay! Twas Manager Mike who stole of my lunch and drank of my drink!

ANNOUNCER: (INTO MICROPHONE) If your personage is not of the thieving flavor, why does thou stand here before us when your shift is in but a few hours?

TERRY: (INTO MICROPHONE) Guilt pangs at his heart like so many cholesterols! Shame hardens his soul as his arteries do!

MIKE: (INTO MICROPHONE) My heart is free of guilt and blockages, and the only thing hardened is my resolve! If thou will not keep still thy lying tongue, then I shall remove it for thee!

TERRY: Have at thee!

ANNOUNCER EXITS THE RING.

A BELL RINGS.

MIKE AND TERRY AWKWARDLY HOLD, GRUNT, TICKLE, AND SLAP EACH OTHER ABOUT IN COMBAT!

A PHONE RINGS AND RINGS.

MIKE AND TERRY STOP MID-WRESTLE.

MIKE: Would someone please answer that?

TERRY: Yeah, it’s a bit distracting.

ANNOUNCER: Sorry. I’ve got it.

MIKE & TERRY: Thank you.

MIKE AND TERRY COMMENCE WITH THE WRESTLING.

ANNOUNCER EVENTUALLY ANSWERS THE PHONE.

ANNOUNCER: Hello? Hello. Hi. Right, sorry. Uh-huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh… Okay. I’ll tell them. Bye.

ANNOUNCER HANGS UP, JUST AS MIKE AND TERRY STOP MID-WRESTLE.

TERRY: What was all that about?

MIKE: It better be important. We’re in the middle of a very serious blood feud at the moment.

ANNOUNCER: That was The One They Call Katie. She said her go-bloots is acting up again, and she needs you two to come in early so she can meet up with her old high school besties for a night of binge drinking.

MIKE AND TERRY CEASE WITH THE WRESTLING ALTOGETHER.

MIKE & TERRY: Boh!