The Bowie Pod

STEVE, indeed, sits on his toilet.

STEVE: Hello, you. I’m sitting on my toilet, and welcome back to “I Can’t Be Assed.”

The Bowie Pod is a delightful bit of consumer technology from Stardust Solutions, a less delightful multi-planetary conglomerate known for its manufacturing of everything from toiletries to war. That nasty bit of incriminating backstory aside, the Bowie Pod makes for a wonderful toy, with its ability to zip about at high-speed, built-in energy shields, and multitool function that allows them to seamless reconfigure itself from a small, one-inch orb into all assortments of knives, toothpicks, and corkscrews. When used for its intended function of novelty party favor and sexual debauchery, there are fewer greater gifts to receive than Stardust Solution’s patented and trademark-infringing Bowie Pods.

That said. Try to imagine the rather icky mess one such device may leave behind in its wake if it were, for instance, ingested orally and wholly unwillingly, activated via a convenient bite-sized, battery-operated remote control, and then all but one button on this particular bite-sized, battery operated remote control struck in rapid, not-entirely random fashion. Could you possibly imagine the horror of such a sloppily emptied husk of what used to be, up until only a merciless, bloody, and ear-piercing dying shriek ago, a one-time paying customer? I certainly can.