The Job: Steakhouse Tony

A MAKESHIFT WRESTLING LOCKER ROOM LOCATED BEHIND A HIGH SCHOOL GYM. VARIOUS ODDLY SHAPED PEOPLE IN ODDLY DESIGNED COSTUMES. A SMELL THAT CAN BE SEEN.

FRANKIE: (VOICE-OVER) Injuries are an unfortunate part of the job. Health insurance, however, is not.

CUT TO:

FRANKIE SIDELINES, A HEFTY, SWEATY MAN IN OVERSIZED, YET SOMEHOW STILL SNUG CLOTHING, HOLDS A MAKESHIFT CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE BELT.

FRANKIE: I’m Frankie Sidelines, and I’ve been in the wrestling business for almost twenty years.

CUT TO:

A THIN, SMALL LINE OF MOSTLY BORED PEOPLE QUEUE UP OUTSIDE THE GYM. SIGNS FOR “TETANUS CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING”, “RUSTED NAILS AND RAZOR BLADES MURDERFIGHT” HANG HERE AND THERE.

FRANKIE: (VOICE-OVER) You hate to see it. Nobody wants to get hurt.

VARIOUS WRESTLERS ATTEMPT, FAIL TO CONVINCE ANYONE TO PAY FOR AN AUTOGRAPH, HANDMADE TEE-SHIRT, PENCIL, OR EVEN A PHOTOGRAPH.

And we do what we can to not seriously hurt each other. This is a competitive sport, afterall. We’re not stand-up comedians.

CUT TO:

FRANKIE IN THE MAKESHIFT LOCKER ROOM, STILL CLUTCHING TO THAT MAKESHIFT CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE BELT.

FRANKIE: In the last two decades, I’ve seen a lot of men and women suffer horrible hospital bills and long-term gaps in their wrestling resumes.

WRESTLER #1 LIMPS INTO THE LOCKER ROOM, BLEEDING INCONSIDERATELY ALL OVER EVERYONE’S THINGS.

One time after a show, Steakhouse Tony needed twenty staples in his head after a woman confronted him in the parking lot, demanded a refund, and then tazed him when he told her he wasn’t even on the show.

WRESTLER #2, BLEEDING AND WITH SOMETHING CLEARLY STICKING OUT OF THEM, IS DRAGGED INTO THE LOCKER ROOM.

“Springboard” Steve Goodknees can’t walk anymore after he broke his back doing a quadruple hickory-smoked dive onto the concrete floor outside of the ring. But those fifteen people who bought tickets, though? They definitely got their money’s worth.

WRESTLER #3 IS WHEELED INTO THE LOCKER ROOM ON A MAKESHIFT GURNEY, FALLS OFF.

And there was that time Two-Timing Tim Philanderer was stabbed in the ring during a match by one of his wives. He lived, but he only has one kidney now. Shame, really.

WRESTLER #4, STUFFING THEIR FACE WITH A CAN OF BEANS, CLUTCHES AT THEIR CHEST, SLUMPS OVER DEAD.

Fortunately, I’ve somehow managed to go all these years without any serious injuries. Probably because I only come to watch and hangout with anyone who gives me the time of day. But I’m doing my part, ya know. Gotta show them it’s all worth it.