Meteo’kar vs The Promoters of the Universe

CHAPTER TWO

METEO’KAR VS THE PROMOTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

SFX: DING-DING! A BELL RINGS.

MUSIC: METEO’KAR: CHAMPION OF SPACE THEME. UP, UNDER.

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Watch! Right over there! It’s not an Eagle! It’s not a helicopter! No, you pencil-necked geek! It’s… (ECHOES) Meteo’kar, Champion of Space!

MUSIC: THEME FADES.

SOUNDSCAPE: SPACE. LOTS TO SEE, LITTLE TO DO.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) On our previous adventure, the alien being known as Kur’tahn J’kar relieved Buzz Aldrin of his head to become the new Champion of Earth. Meanwhile, Johnny “Twin-Beds” Joblonski defeated Tony “Two Thumbs” Pulcini, via failure to appear, for the Fountain Valley World Championship, which upset Kur’tahn quite a bit, if we’re being honest. In fact, it upset Kur’tahn so much that they teleported down from the moon to Fountain Valley, attempted to claim the Fountain Valley World Title for themselves, only to then be relieved of their own head when Johnny shattered it to pieces with a single, supernaturally powered punch. Fascinating stuff, really. You should have been there. But before Johnny could celebrate his unification of the Fountain Valley World Championship and the literal championship of the world, he found himself spirited away by a strange, annoying light…

SFX: JOHNNY WARPING THROUGH SPACE AMID A STRANGE, ANNOYING LIGHT.

For several months, Johnny cut across the planets and stars amid the strange, annoying light. Though, thanks to the warping of space and time and what have you, this inexplicably forced tour of deep space only felt like a few, long, agonizing hours to Johnny. Not too bad, all things considered. And just enough time for Johnny to reflect on how it all went wrong.

JOHNNY: I really shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Any day in particular?

JOHNNY: No, just in general.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Fair enough.

JOHNNY: I also probably shouldn’t have taken that booking from Medium Pete. Though, I did become World Champion.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Yeah, of Fountain Valley.

JOHNNY: And on a technicality… But at least I made enough money to cover the gas to the venue and back.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) That hardly seems to matter if you’re lightyears away from your car.

JOHNNY: Also true.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) But when he really thought about it, it all came down to the moment he witnessed “Crippling” Ed Diction throw Coconut Swallows into an on-coming car outside Classy Lou’s Erotic Dancing Emporium in Fontana.

CUT TO:

SOUNDSCAPE: A STRIPMALL IN FONTANA.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) You see, one morning, some thirty-seven years earlier, more or less, Johnny’s Uncle Swallows decided to take a little detour to a stripmall rather than to Johnny’s school.

SFX: A RICKETY PICKUP TRUCK PULLS INTO THE LOT.

YOUNG JOHNNY: Uncle Swallows, are we here for bowling or pool supplies?

UNCLE SWALLOWS: (LAUGHS AND LAUGHS AND LAUGHS…)

SFX: UNCLE SWALLOWS STEPS OUT OF THE TRUCK, CLOSES DOOR, WALKS AWAY.

YOUNG JOHN: Uncle Swallows?

UNCLE SWALLOWS: (OFF) (LAUGHS AND LAUGHS AND LAUGHS…)

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Fifteen minutes later, Uncle Swallows was escorted out of that strip club by aforementioned Mr. Diction…

SFX: MR. DICTION DRAGS UNCLE SWALLOWS OUT OF CLASSY LOU’S.

…and thrown into the path of an oncoming car.

SFX: MR. DICTION THROWS UNCLE SWALLOWS IN FRONT OF A MOVING CAR.

And as he witnessed some sort of criminal act in progress, a young Johnny “Twin-Beds” Jablonksi took note of how Mr. Diction was a rather large man capable of hurting a man much smaller, fatter, and drunker than him with both great ease and immense pleasure.

CUT TO:

SOUNDSCAPE: THE JABLONSKI FAMILY KITCHEN.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) The next morning, Johnny waited and waited for his ride to school.

YOUNG JOHNNY: Mom?

MOM: Yes, Sweetie?

YOUNG JOHNNY: Have you seen Uncle Swallows? I’m going to be late for school.

MOM: Who the Hell is Uncle Swallows?

CUT TO:

SOUNDSCAPE: A LARGE ARENA FILLED TO CAPACITY OF THOUSANDS. BUT IN SPACE.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Many years later and even more lightyears away…

SFX: THE STRANGE, ANNOYING LIGHT FADES IN, OUT.

…the strange, annoying light faded, and Johnny found himself standing in the middle of a wrestling ring in the middle of a large arena somewhere not even remotely close to the middle of space. The arena was filled to capacity with a live crowd of thousands, and trillions at home watched this unfold on one of several illegal streams on the space-internet. And a holographic projection of three teeny-headed, large-bellied men in oversized robes–

BOOK’URR: (PA SYSTEM) Who the Hell do you think you are?

JOHNNY: I think there’s been some sort of mistake.

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) You’re damn right! You’ve interfered with forces beyond your comprehension!

BOOK’URR: (PA SYSTEM) Look. We appreciate our independent contractors taking the initiative and blah-blah-blah, but we simply can’t have someone succeeding on their own merits.

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) What Book’urr means is that, while we love – while the fans love you…

THE ARENA ROARS TO LIFE, THEN IMMEDIATELY SILENCES.

JOHNNY: What the Hell?

PEN-CIL: (CONT’D) (PA SYSTEM) …we simply can’t afford to abandon our plans now.

JOHNNY: Your plans?

BOOK’URR: (PA SYSTEM) He knows of our plans? Pen-sil, he knows of the plans!

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) Who are you?

JOHNNY: No one of interest, I swear!

BOOK’URR: (PA SYSTEM) Did Phil send you? That sonnovabitch knows he can’t run shows here!

JOHNNY: I don’t know who Phil is!

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) (SCOFFS) You dare play games now, Boy?

JOHNNY: Seriously. I’m just… just some mediocre nobody who won the World Championship of freakin’ Fountain Valley.

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) (BELLOWS) Meteo’kar!

JOHNNY: Wait. Who?

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) I don’t care if you are your World’s Champion…

JOHNNY: Of Fountain Valley. I feel like it’s very important right now that I emphasize that, again, I am World Champion of Fountain Valley – a city known for a bowling alley, a park, and existing. In that order.

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) (IGNORES JOHN) …but if you insist on unraveling our handwork willy-nilly…

JOHNNY: I don’t. Really, I don’t. Also, did you just say, “willy-nilly”?

BOOK’URR: (PA SYSTEM) Enough! Nobody uses such language with the Promoters of the Universe!

PEN-CIL: (PA SYSTEM) What say you, General Manager? Your silence is… annoying.

GENERAL MANAGER: (PA SYSTEM) For your transgression, Meteo’kar…

JOHNNY: John. My name is “John”, not…

GENERAL MANAGER: (PA SYSTEM) (ALSO IGNORES JOHN) you are to compete one-on-one with “The Overseller!

THE ARENA ROARS ONCE MORE. ONE MAN IN PARTICULAR SQUEALS WITH A BIT TOO MUCH DELIGHT.

GENERAL MANAGER: (PA SYSTEM) (SMILES) Beseech me, Contestant!

MUSIC: METEO’KAR: CHAMPION OF SPACE THEME. UP, UNDER.

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Who is The Overseller? Who are these Promoters of the Universe? Where exactly is Johnny anyway? Will his car still be waiting for him when he gets back? Find out next time, maybe, on the next installment of… (ECHOES) Meteo’kar: Champion of Space!

SFX: DING-DING! A BELL RINGS.

FADE OUT.