STEVE: Fact: Every fourteen days, one person dies while attempting to copulate with a shark or lion. One in eleventy succeeds.
Good evening. I’m Not Lying, I Swear, and I come to you this evening on behalf of Launch Them All Into Space. Whether it’s morons feeding themselves to apex predators; creepy, narcissistic, halfwit billionaires; or whichever one of you bastards defecated on my doorstep, Launch Them Into Space is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to sending the worst of us into space with no hope of return. And for only pennies a day, you can provide us with the ammo we so desperately need to swiftly and brutally pelt these self-absorbed, gold-hoarding doorstep defecators into a state of unconsciousness, securely load their bodies onto a rocket, and then, as promised, launch them all into space. Together, we can prove to the world that there is no problem that can’t be solved by strapping it to a cartoonishly large rocket.
Lines are open, my curtains are drawn, and I’ve got a lovely bit of soft jazz playing in the background.