Human Capital Stock

AN ADVERTISEMENT: THE SORT YOU HEAR ON THE MORNING COMMUTE OR DAY-TIME TELEVISION.

INDEBTA, A MIDDLE-MANAGER TYPE, SULKS IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR.

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Are you a middle-manager type sulking and hiding in your office as you avoid dealing with the numerous complaints about low wages, long hours, sexual harrassment, and the various recording devices in the employee washroom violating privacy laws and basic human decency?

INDEBTA: (NODS) Uh-huh.

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Have your shallow attempts to cultivate a cult-like roster of exhausted wage-slaves by way of after-hour binge-drinking events masquerading as “team-building exercises,” sparkling bottled water in the breakroom, and assorted absurd mantras, slogans, and unearthly chanting failed to obtain the results and data your corporate overlords demand of you?

INDEBTA: (SHRUGS) Maybe…

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Then maybe you need the Monopticon Electric Corporate Employee Trainer System.

INDEBTA: The Monopticon Electric Corporate Employee Trainer System?

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Yes, you insipid potato, the Monopticon Electric Corporate Employee Trainer System is the only handheld training device designed by bastards and approved by the Federal Government for the sole purpose of keeping your worthless, yet valuable human capital stock in line!

INDEBTA HOLDS UP A MONOPTICON ELECTRIC CORPORATE EMPLOYEE TRAINER SYSTEM.

INDEBTA: Wait. Isn’t this just a cattle prod?

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Are you stupid, or just an idiot?

INDEBTA: Yes.

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) (SIGHS) Light-weight, battery-powered, sexually healing, and phallic in all the right and wrong ways, the Monopticon Electric Corporate Employee Trainer System is a handheld device capable of delivering enough electricity to put down an African elephant, yet dangerous enough to silence any employee demands that continue to place your owner’s money in jeopardy.

EMPLOYEE ENTERS.

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, Indebta? I’m here to talk to you about a living wage and reasonable, humane expectations of employees.

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) Why don’t you give it a try?

INDEBTA: Sure, why not?

EMPLOYEE: (LOOKS ABOUT CONFUSED) Who are you talking to, Indebta? What’s that in your–

INDEBTA ELECTROCUTES EMPLOYEE WITH THE MONOPTICON ELECTRIC CORPORATE EMPLOYEE TRAINER SYSTEM, EMPLOYEE DROPS LIFELESS TO THE FLOOR.

INDEBTA: Wow! Thank you, Monopticon Electric Corporate Employee Trainer System!

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE-OVER) No “thank you” necessary. Simply order the Monopticon Electric Corporate Employee Trainer System and give us your money today!