Paper Bag Critic: Contractual Obligations

THE LAST VIDEO STORE ON EARTH. CINEMATICO MAGNIFICO ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE, AS IS HIS FAILING.

CINEMATICO: Hello, and welcome to The Last Video Store on Earth. I’m Cinematico Magnifico.

Our first movie this week is, “Contractual Obligations,” featuring stand-up actress Brittigail Barbiturates as Tayloria Surname, a recently divorced quantum hairstylist and hobbyist civil engineer struggling with a sprained elbow. But just when it seems she’s found the strength to play tennis again with the local convenience store clerk, Boberto, Tayloria discovers the city will be wiped off the face of the Earth when their town’s poorly maintained sewer system explodes in three days time.

Let’s take a look.

CUT TO:

A CLIP FROM “CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS”.

A CONVENIENCE STORE. BOBERTO, THE CLERK, STANDS BEHIND THE COUNTER, PRACTICING HIS BACKSWING. A WOMAN SCRATCHES AWAY AT A LOTTERY TICKETS AS SHE PURCHASES ADDITIONAL SCRATCH-OFF TICKETS. A LINE OF CUSTOMERS GATHERS, WAITS BEHIND THIS.

WOMAN: (STILL SCRATCHING TICKETS) Can I get two more of the Broke-and-Desperates, three of the Sunken Costs, and one dollar in quarters?

BOBERTO: Quarters?

WOMAN: (HOLDS UP WHAT USED TO BE A QUARTER) Yeah, I’ve already worn this one down to practically nothing.

CUSTOMER #1: How much longer is this going to take?

BOBERTO: It takes as long as it takes.

BRITTIGAIL AS TAYLORIA STORMS INTO A CONVENIENCE STORE. SHE SPEAKS FROM BEHIND THE GATHERING LINE OF CUSTOMERS.

TAYLORIA: Boberto!

BOBERTO: Tayloria!

TAYLORIA: I have to talk with you!

BOBRETO: I’m gonna need a minute to deal with this line.

TAYLORIA: Boberto, this is important!

CUSTOMER #2: You heard the man. (GESTURES) Back of the line is that way.

WOMAN: Oh, I got a free ticket on this one.

CUSTOMERS: (ANNOYED GROANS)

TAYLORIA: Boberto, we need to leave! Now!

BOBERTO: Leave? I just clocked in.

CUSTOMER #1: Get outta here, lady!

CUSTOMER #2: Yeah! You’re holding up the line!

CUSTOMERS ANGRILY PELT TAYLORIA WITH ASSORTED SNACKS AND DRINKS.

WOMAN: (SHAKES HEAD) Some people just don’t know when they’re being a problem!

TAYLORIA: (GROWLS) There’s a gas pocket building in the sewer system, and if we don’t leave now, you, me, the Gulp-n-Leave, and everyone else in a five-mile radius of the city limits are going to be blown to Hell and back!

A SILENCE.

BOBERTO: (OVERLY EMOTIONAL) You had me at “blown to Hell and back”.

CUT TO:

CINEMATICO, SUFFERING THROUGH IT ALL.

CINEMATICO: Written by A. Moron and directed by an incompetent chihuaua, “Contractual Obligation” is plagiarized dribble from the chin of other, equally terrible films. The three-and-a-half hours I spent locked in a closet, watching it on my phone with a broken screen, were mostly wasted. The resulting brain damage has left me incontinent, insufferable, and utterly incapable of recalling anything other than seething anger and the faint smell of toast. I hate it, I hate you, and I wish I’d never been born. But because this movie was also co-produced by today’s sponsor, Food-in-a-Box, I’m being forced to give it some sort of positive rating on an arbitrary scale.

Up next, we’ll take a look behind the scenes of the upcoming romantic horror dramedy, “Boners.” But first, another complete waste of time.