Zeroes: Attack of The Tack Hammer

LOS ANGELES. NOT AN APPLE, BE IT LITTLE OR LARGE. BUT LOTS OF PEOPLE. LOTS OF TRAFFIC. SOMEHOW EVEN MORE ROAD CONSTRUCTION.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Not very long ago, in a less interesting part of Los Angeles…

AN INSULTINGLY EXPENSIVE SHOEBOX OF AN APARTMENT. TIM LAZILY WATCHES INTERNET VIDEOS.

…a rather stupid man named Tim sat at home, watching funny internet videos. But after a video listing the definitive top ten shades of beige…

TIM BECOMES MILDLY MORE INTERESTED.

…Tim soon found himself watching one video after the next on how to become a supervillain. And while he never had much interest in physical activity…

TIM GRABS, JIGGLES, SHRUGS AT HIS PHYSIQUE.

…Tim did like the idea of wearing gaudy costumes all day instead of a gaudy work uniform.

TIM NODS IN AGREEMENT.

By the end of the night, Tim had a solid understanding on the basics of supervillainy.

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

By the middle of the week, thanks to Unicorp’s two-day delivery option…

TIM OPENS DOOR, FINDS DELIVERY-MAN STANDING THERE WITH A LARGE PACKAGE.

Tim had his first off-the-rack supervillain costume.

DELIVERY-MAN: Sign here, please.

TIM SIGNS FOR, TAKES PACKAGE, SLAMS DOOR IN DELIVERY-MAN’S FACE.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) By the time Tim eventually opened the package…

TIM STRUGGLES TO OPENS PACKAGE, PULLS OUT A CHEAP DOMINO MASK, CAPE, AND TACK HAMMER.

…and pulled out the small domino mask, a cape, and a tack hammer waiting within… 

TIM DONS THE DOMINO MASK AND CAPE, HOLDS UP TACK HAMMER, AND ENGORGES WITH VILLAINOUS PRIDE.

…he had already mostly decided on a villainous codename.

TIM: I am… “The Tack Hammer”!

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) And five minutes before his shift on Friday, Tim marched on over to Cheap Phones and Smokes…

TIM MARCHES OVER TO:

A CELL PHONE REPAIR AND CIGAR SHOP. A BORED CLERK SITS BEHIND A COUNTER.

…the cell phone repair and discount cigar shop where he was still technically employed…

TIM, ENTERS, EFFORTLESSLY HOLDS IT HOSTAGE WITH HIS TACK HAMMER.

…held it hostage with that tack hammer of his, and demanded a staggering eleventy million dollars.

CUT TO:

A LIMO PULLED OVER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. THE LIMBO DRIVER, A MAN IN A CHEAP SKULL MASK AND CHAUFFEUR OUTFIT, SITS BEHIND THE WHEEL. POLICE-MAN STANDS BY THIS.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) Meanwhile, in a different, equally less interesting part of Los Angeles, an even less interesting man also named Tim, but known to even fewer as the skull-masked, limo-driving vigilante, “The Limbo Driver,” was attempting to respond to The Tack Hammer’s devious, surprisingly effective ploy, only to find himself pulled over by Police-Man.

POLICE-MAN: Do you know why I pulled you over?

LIMBO DRIVER: Was it because I was going ninety miles an hour in a residential neighborhood?

POLICE-MAN: No, I’m going to let that one slide.

LIMBO DRIVER: Oh, thank god. Another one of those, and I’m going to lose my license.

POLICE-MAN: Don’t celebrate just yet. My telepathic link to the national local crime database tells me your Superhero License expired last week.

LIMBO DRIVER: Shit.

CUT TO:

CHEAP PHONES AND SMOKES. TIM HOLDS HIS TACK HAMMER IN ONE HAND AND A SACK MARKED WITH A DOLLAR SIGN IN THE OTHER. CLERK STILL SEATED BEHIND THE COUNTER.

NARRATOR: (VOICE-OVER) And that’s how, with only a tack hammer and one man’s inability to pay his bills even with a thirty-day notice, Tim successfully walked away a true supervillain and eleventy million dollars richer.