Ugh! Ugh! I’m Dying You Idiot! (Introduction) October 15, 2018

Dear Reader, Please note that the following passage is intended to be accompanied by the official “Fight the Dawn” soundtrack, now available at all popular record stores. As such, we have graciously provided notes within the text so as to inform those unfortunate fools–those short-sighted nitwits who have taken it upon themselves to tarnish the […]

Bedeviled October 15, 2018

Bedeviled, from Abel and Burlee Vang, is basically an app-based version of The Ring or A Nightmare on Elm Street, in so much that a group of kids find themselves haunted and killed by a mysterious entity preying on those who download a smartphone app. That’s it. Fuck this movie. It’s bad enough that Bedeviled […]

Nightworld October 14, 2018

Nightworld, from Patricio Valladares, is about a depressing loser can’t stop dreaming and being sad about his dead wife, then his buddy gets him a job. S’bout as far as I can make of it from the first ten minutes of this non-movie. Lotta movies open with that same slow-as-shit, fuckin’ drone shot of the […]

The Rift: The Dark Side of the Moon October 13, 2018

The Rift: The Darkside of the Moon, from director Dejan Zecevic–and not to be confused with all the other movies called The Rift, including the one that came out the same year as this “damp squid” of a movie. But this turnip of a movie is what happens when you have an idea about a […]

Truth or Dare October 12, 2018

Truth or Dare, from director Nick Simon–and definitely not to be confused with the 2018 movie of the exact same name and concept–features a group of college kids visiting a spooky old house for a bit of morbid Halloween fun. But as the night continues, they soon find their innocent party games turned into a […]

Seven in Heaven October 11, 2018

Seven in Heaven, from actor-turned-writer-director Chis Eigeman, features Travis Tope as Jude, a dorky but nice kid whose dad is dead. But then he goes to a part and finds a magic closet that takes him to a world where his dad isn’t dead. But that doesn’t matter because everyone’s crazy and mean. And now […]

Last Shift October 10, 2018

Last Shift, from co-writer and director Anthony DiBlasi, features Juliana Harkavy as Jessica, a rookie cop tasked with babysitting an old police station on its last night of operation. But as the night grows long, Jessica quickly discovers that the station is housing something more sinister than a few leftover files and bits of evidence. […]

The Open House October 9, 2018

The Open House, from the writing-directing pair of Matt Angel and Suzanne Coote, features Dylan Minnette as Logan Wallace, a young man with a bright future ripped away from him in much the same manner as a speeding van ripped his father in half when it ran him over in the alleyway behind a liquor […]

Emelie October 8, 2018

Emelie, from director Michael Thelin, features Sarah Bolger as the titular Emelie, a young woman playing last-minute substitute for a family’s usual babysitter. But unfortunately for this family, Emelie isn’t the replacement they were expecting. Sometimes movies start great, and then immediately fuck it up. This is one of those. I gave Emelie about twenty […]

The Boy October 7, 2018

The Boy, from director William Brent Bell, and every bit as uninteresting as its title suggests, features Lauren Cohan as Greta, a boring American who takes a job as a nanny in the British countryside. But when she finds out the boy she’s tasked with taking care of is a goddamn doll and not, in […]

Darkness Rising October 6, 2018

Darkness Rising, from director Austin Reading, follows a group of idiots who break into their friend’s abandoned childhood home only to be plagued by ghosts. Spooky stuff happens. People die, probably. I’m not sure. The page 10 moment happened three minutes in, and consisted entirely of Ted Raimi in old-timey clothes playing hide and seek […]

Stephanie October 5, 2018

Stephanie, from director Akiva Goldsman–the writer behind movies such as A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man, and Batman & Robin (Yes, those were all by the same guy)–features Shree Crooks as the titular Stephanie, a young girl who has been living alone ever since her family disappeared following a mysterious global incident. And until the day […]

III: The Ritual October 4, 2018

III: The Ritual, from director Pavel Khvaleev, is, apparently, about two sisters living in a small, plague-riddled European town. Their mother has just died, and now the younger of the two sisters is also dying, leaving Polina Davyadova’s Aya little choice but to use a strange, ancient ritual if she wishes to save her sister’s […]

Before I Wake October 3, 2018

Before I Wake, from director and co-writer Mike Flanagan, features Thomas Jane and Kate Bosworth as a pair of weird, but wholly boring parents still grieving the accidental death of their young son. Fortunately, they’ve just been approved to adopt a replacement kid. But unfortunately for them, this one has nightmares that are very real. […]

Terrifier October 2, 2018

Terrifier, from writer-director Damien Leone, features Jenna Kanell as Tara, a young woman enjoying Halloween night with her best friend, Dawn (played here by Catherine Corcoran). But after the girls come across a strange, unsettling clown, they’re unprepared for the circus of horrors he’ll unleash on them and everyone else. I liked it. Part of […]

Friend Request October 1, 2018

Friend Request, from director Simon Verhoeven, features Alycia Debnam-Carey as Laura, an uninteresting college student with no personality, life, or social media presence besides Facebook who befriends a lonely, but friendly classmate. But when Laura ditches her new friend, Marina, to spend her birthday with her “real” friends, Marina’s strange obsession turns from creepy messages on […]

Pro-Solution. September 28, 2018

I think I might have a solution to the whole pro-choice/pro-life argument: Maybe babies shouldn’t be considered people until they’re capable of holding a decent conversation. Like, it can’t just sit there and listen to me bitch. My dog can do that. But my dog can’t talk back. So, like, that point when the kid […]

Ruin the Moment. September 26, 2018

Those few times I have the peace of mind to actually enjoy things–my movies, my video games, whatever–I find myself only wanting to work. Because it distracts me from and feeds that mean little voice that tells me I don’t do enough. That I’m wasting time best spent working. I’m not good enough yet, not […]

Another Circle. September 24, 2018

‘Nuff said. Read this and more in Cable-Knit Sweater. Get the free mp3. There’s this really fucked up sort of Hell for a particularly fucked sort of man. There’s no demons, no brimstone. No lake of fire. No ironic punishment. It’s something far more cruel. Far more tangible. More simple. It’s this persistent sense of […]

Sanctum of Outcasts. September 21, 2018

Sometimes inner peace is a punk rock bar in Anaheim. Dedicated to all the homies I’ve had the pleasure to meet, watch perform, and perform in front of at The Doll Hut in Anaheim, CA. Keep crushin’ it. The world needs what you have to offer. Read this and more in Cable-Knit Sweater. Get the […]