Ugh! Ugh! I’m Dying You Idiot! (Introduction)

Dear Reader,

Please note that the following passage is intended to be accompanied by the official “Fight the Dawn” soundtrack, now available at all popular record stores. As such, we have graciously provided notes within the text so as to inform those unfortunate fools–those short-sighted nitwits who have taken it upon themselves to tarnish the artistic vision of those involved with this production–of the audio-only details they have denied themselves.

Yours truly,

The Editor

*     *     *

NOTE: There is nothing to note at this point, as there is only the soft hiss of the record as it takes its first rotations. Which you would know had you the sense to purchase the official soundtrack, you silly boy.

Hello. I’m Steve Arviso. And welcome to, “Fight the Dawn.”

NOTE: The previous text was, in fact, read by Steve. And it was fine. proudly invites you to, “Fight the Dawn!”

“Fight the Dawn” is the dramatic presentation of original tales of the weird and strange, crafted from the mind and madness of Steve Arviso, and never for the faint of heart nor those of weak constitution.

NOTE: A well-timed dramatic pause follows the reading of the above text, which itself was preceded by a dramatic sound-effect and read in a rather peppy tone of voice by whoever it is we conned into playing the role of “Announcer.”

Tonight’s episode: “Ugh! Ugh! I’m Dying, You Idiot!”

NOTE: Here lies the cheesy, yet genre-appropriate music you are totally missing out on. Seriously.

Death: what is it?

Nobody’s quite sure, really. Scientists, for example, believe Death to be the point at which all things–babies, puppies, and, yes, even dear, sweet gram-gram–cease to be, which I think we can all agree is a bit of a bummer.

Nonetheless. Like a trial to a local newspaper or magazine that we most certainly never would have signed up for if given a say in the matter, Death comes for us all.

Sometimes, Death comes like a thief in the night–loud, chaotic, and wholly traumatic. Such was the case for Cecil Cecilson of Plainfield, Indiana, who had the misfortune of coming to as an unknown, yet shockingly skilled prostitute proceeded to remove one of his kidneys right there on the tile floor of a motel bathroom.

Other times, Death can be a bit of a dick. The most obvious example of this is, of course, the shockingly prolific occurrence of police officers tragically gunned down mere days or weeks before retirement.

But then there are times where Death is more playful trickster than some unseen, terrifying constant and inevitable conclusion of biological existence. Such as the time Chlamydia Lapierre (of Fontana, California) suddenly found herself reduced to two dimensions following her regular Tuesday afternoon shift at Classy Lou’s Erotic Dancing Emporium.

Tonight, Dear Reader, we invite you to laugh into the abyss. To embrace the all-consuming madness that comes from knowing that, one day, you–and all that you hold dear–will, for all intents and purposes, be scrubbed clean from this plane of existence. And in some highly unfortunate cases, this may prove to be quite literal. But, Dear Reader, that is precisely why we invite you to, “Fight the Dawn!”

NOTE: Oh, do you not hear that? It’s that really neat genre music you’ll never get to listen to now, because the record shop is likely already closed by the time you’ve accepted–not only acknowledged, but accepted–your regrettable decision to forgo a simple, yet wholly enjoyable purchase of the “Fight the Dawn” official soundtrack. What a shame.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: You may now turn safely off your newly purchased copy of the official “Fight the Dawn” soundtrack.

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