The Secrets of Emily Blair

The Secrets of Emily Blair, from director Joseph P. Genier, is just another demon possession movie along the lines of The Exorcist. A nurse is attacked by a Dr. Giggles, something gross gets on-and-or-in her, and then she starts seeing weird things, acts weird, and generally all Puzuzu-y while her boyfriend is left to sort this shit out on his own and get a young priest and an old priest to save her. Maybe.

This movie sucks.

I don’t care if it has some notable actors of notable talent involved in it. This is an awful movie from the outset. It opens with a non-starter with Chief O’Brien from Star Trek the Next Generation sitting behind a full-length glass wall and talking with a detective or reporter (it’s not exactly clear) like he’s Hannibal Fuckin’ Lecter. Turns out he’s just the priest who was involved with the actual story, and he’s here to play narrator. Even though this movie is about a woman and her fiance, and he doesn’t come in till later. So I’m not even sure how he has all the fuckin’ details.

Non-start plus nonsensical set-up. Two strikes already.

Aside from starting in one of the worst ways possible, the rest of the movie is just your standard copycat of The Exorcist or any other similar movie. There’s nothing original here, far as I can tell. In fact, it’s so unoriginal that it actually comes across like a knockoff of the knockoffs. Because there’s only the basic plot structure of The Exorcist left, but a whole lot of the rotting flesh left on it from all the copies. If you’ve seen any movie like this, then you’ve definitely seen this one.

It’s insulting, honestly.

Between Colm Meaney and Larry Drake, there should have been all kinds of moments that made The Secrets of Emily Blair worth a watch despite its general unoriginality. But there isn’t. It just sort of gives up on itself from the start, so I did too. And if there’s a better reason to not watch a movie, I don’t know of it.

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