The Rift: The Dark Side of the Moon

The Rift: The Darkside of the Moon, from director Dejan Zecevic–and not to be confused with all the other movies called The Rift, including the one that came out the same year as this “damp squid” of a movie. But this turnip of a movie is what happens when you have an idea about a crashed satellite bringing back something weird, but nothing in the way of story, plot, characters, or anything interesting to say.

Fuckin’, why?

The movie starts with a four minute credit sequence that mostly consists of the moon. Then it’s another six minutes of telling me how Katarina Cas’ Liz is not only a mother struggling with the really weird, prolonged death scene of her son, but she’s also a badass super spy who’s just been dragged back in to deal with nothing of interest. We don’t see her be a mom or a badass super spy. We’re just kinda told this in so much lazy and wholly random-feeling exposition.

I should have stopped after the first two minutes of the opening credits.

I don’t believe there’s actually a movie beyond the ten minutes I watched. Like, it just doesn’t exist. Maybe there’s footage and audio. But it’s just a bunch of bullshit because nobody involved with this movie thought anyone would watch the whole thing. There’s no way. No one saw this as a script or in the dailies or on set and thought it was working. Like, any of it. Right? Cuz nothing fuckin’ happens. Nothing. Four minutes of credits, a woman walking down a hallway, then her son just kinda dies, she wakes up from this dream? Nightmare? She seemed a little too calm and fine with it all for it to be much of a nightmare. But kid’s dead, and then she turns out to be a superspy and has to meet a dude down by the docks for their mission. That’s it. Fuckin’ nothin’.

There’s someone out there that’s gonna hear about this movie because of me. And they’re gonna be like, there’s no way it’s that stupid. And then, they’ll check. And then, they’ll see I’m right. And that same person is gonna follow their dreams of being a filmmaker, because they’ll see that literally anyone with a camera and too much time on their hand can make a movie if they stomp their feet together long enough. No matter how stupid or how so much fuckin’ nothing happens in it.

Me not being a fan of this movie is what you can probably take away from all this. Cuz it’s all I got out of it. That, and a somewhat better understanding why some assholes say that following your dreams is a buncha bullshit. Because sometimes that dream is this movie. And The Rift: The Darkside of the Moon is bullshit.

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