Stephanie, from director Akiva Goldsman–the writer behind movies such as A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man, and Batman & Robin (Yes, those were all by the same guy)–features Shree Crooks as the titular Stephanie, a young girl who has been living alone ever since her family disappeared following a mysterious global incident. And until the day her parents finally return, Stephanie will have to protect herself from the mysterious creatures that have invaded Earth.

This didn’t need to be a movie.

I watched twelve minutes of this movie. Eleven-and-a-half of that was spent watching this cute little girl do nothing besides be bored and occasionally causing some Dennis The Menace-level bullshit. Drawing on the walls, breaking jars and making a mess in the fuckin’ kitchin’ while her parents aren’t home. But then for like, thirty-seconds? There’s kinda-sorta this idea for a movie that shows up real quick. This thing breaks into her house in the middle of the day, growls and snarls while she’s playing in this little blanket-pillow fort thing. And all you see is a shadow, right? It’s a little creepy, which was a nice change-up from being boring as shit.

But then, whatever it was that broke in leaves faster than it showed up. And the movie goes right the fuck back to doing nothing.

Frank Grillo is supposed to be in this. I like that dude.

This shit was sold on that one scene, wasn’t it? Little girl living all alone forever, and this real-life monster sneaks in one day and scares her. That’s all they had in the pitch meeting. Because there is nothing else going on here. And I don’t know how they can stretch this out for another 80 minutes.

I think I prefer the version of this movie that has Vincent Price in it.

Ya know, III: The Ritual at least had the common decency to let me know a whole lotta nothing was going to happen in only three minutes. It shouldn’t take ten minutes for a movie to make it clear that nothing is going to happen. In fact, call me crazy, but I think movies should have stuff happening in them. Maybe open where the story begins. Or at some interesting point. And just sorta glance over all the nothing in between all the something that does actually happen and matter, instead of, ya know, just showing us all the nothing and none of the something.

Movie looks nice. Sounds nice. Shree Crooks is adorable. But all that nothing going on? Kinda triggers this “I want to be entertained” hang-up I’ve got.

Stephanie gets a “nothing” out of “something”.

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