Good evening. A previous lapse in this publication has failed to make any notable impact. Those we deemed responsible have already been humanely lobotomized and released back into the public population. We asked several people at the scene of our crime against humanity for their thoughts, and this is what we pretended to hear.
“Did I leave the baby plugged in again?” (Gary, Accounting)
“I build miniature horses. The hardest part is taking them apart the first time.” (Glydia, Not Counting)
“I once wrong-dialed the Astoria Best Western.” (Paulathon, Hardly Paying Attention)
“I haven’t slept the same since I drank my son’s favorite goldfish.” (Raymond, Tax Evasion)
“I don’t mean to sound sexist, but if bear’s are going to shit in the woods, the least they can do is bag it up like the rest of us.” (Travis, Drinking to Forget the Pain)
“We’re divorced in the sense that she isn’t even aware she ever signed the marriage license in the first place.” (Bobert, Barber)
“Just because someone puts something in their mouth doesn’t mean they can spell it.” (Julianna, Fruit Waxer)