Morbid Moment (12.10.18.)

This time of year is often seen as an opportunity to reflect on and express our gratitude for the love of our friends, family, and fellow man. But while some might prefer to do so by exchanging expensive gifts nobody’s ever happy with, or perhaps watching the same terrible Christmas movie for 24 hours because nobody thought to, ya know, change the channel and watch something better. But while some prefer that, others instead choose to brutally assault, maim, and kill their fellow man. Others still, like to read and hear about this shit in the news. Makes for good conversation while everyone’s opening and rolling eyes at the gifts they’ll be exchanging first chance they get.

For example. Nothing expresses young love quite like watching the beautiful young woman in your bedroom overdose on a cocktail of Fentanyl and store-brand Xanax, taking and sending nude photos of her as she lay dying on your bedroom floor, raping her as she’s presumably still foaming at the mouth, playing video games all night, and then waking up the next morning to stuff her cold, blue corpse in a fuckin’ box right before you fuck off to your shift at Dairy Queen.

And if that sounds a bit extreme to you, you’re likely too old to understand the complexities and nuances of late-model millennial mating rituals in 2018.

Twenty-year old, Brian Valera, is the sick fuck from Washington who confessed to doing all this back in February. And he was convicted last month on charges of second-degree manslaughter, third-degree rape, and the unlawful disposal of remains. So, you’ll be happy to hear that the kid who did all this and texted his buddy, “LOL, I think she OD’d, still breathing,” is now serving out a brutal 34-month sentence.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This little shit basically got away with killing and raping a young girl–in that order. And, you’d be right. He did, in fact, effectively get away with killing and raping a young girl. But can you imagine being a 20-year old loser who now won’t see Avengers: Endgame for three years? And good luck trying to convince a bunch of angry, frustrated convicts to avoid spoilers.

As for why the sentence is so short: it’s all because in the wise, all-knowing ways of The Evergreen State, two years and ten months is the maximum sentence for someone without a prior record.

So as the Holidays roll around and the anxiety of being surrounded by loved ones you hate takes its toll, take solace in the notion that for less time than it takes most people to complete a two-year degree at a community college, you too can watch a young girl overdose on your bedroom floor in a Seattle-adjacent trailer park, then rape the shit out of her still-warm body.

Good luck trying to find a deal like that on Black Friday.

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