Friend Request, from director Simon Verhoeven, features Alycia Debnam-Carey as Laura, an uninteresting college student with no personality, life, or social media presence besides Facebook who befriends a lonely, but friendly classmate. But when Laura ditches her new friend, Marina, to spend her birthday with her “real” friends, Marina’s strange obsession turns from creepy messages on social media and weird internet videos into cruel, twisted acts of murder.
It’s Day One of “31 Days of Horror (2019)”. I’m Cinematico Magnifico. And welcome to The Nightly Chill.
This movie is, basically, a bad rip-off of that old episode of South Park where Kyle ruins his life by making friends with that creepy, lonely kid on Facebook.
I’m not gonna lie. I turned this shit off about 50 minutes in.
Nothing happens for like 20 minutes. No one dies. No gore. No blood. No scares. It just opens with everyone bored and they stay that way.
The characters are bored.
I mean, the characters boring too, especially ADC as Laura. They’re just these boring, rich, carefree, I’ve-got-no-real-world-problems, no-Facebook-drama-having motherfuckers. They all dress nice. They have nice cars. Mommy and Daddy love and take care of them. They live in penthouse apartments, apparently.
What kind of fuckin’ college student is that?
Fake-ass bullshit college students is what that is.
They should all be working like, at least, two part-time jobs. At least. And stressing out over their GPA. And eatin’ ramen and cold pizza. Drinkin’ a lot of cheap beer and weed to forget all their problems. Like all their boring fuckin’ friends dying.
And who the hell their age only uses Facebook? That shit wasn’t even that all-consuming back when it was new and I was still in college. That was over a decade ago. People moved on. Facebook is for old people, like me and my parents. These kids should be on Instagram and Snapchat. At least one of them should be on YouTube or Twitch, or some shit.
But, yeah. Even the characters don’t care. Everyone talks about sudden suicides and horrific murders like it’s just shit that happens.
“Thoughts and Prayers.” That’s what the movie should have been called. And it should be how all these kids are dying in large numbers in crazy, batshit ways because of some petty social media grudge. But none of the adults give a fuck. If it had even just a little bit of that, it might have actually made the movie a little bit, kinda-sorta creepy.
But they didn’t do that. Cuz this movie’s 90 minutes of nothing happening and nobody caring.
You know what really sucks?
These indie horror films are notorious–popular, even–because of how low budget it all is. There’s usually no money for “good” filmmaking. No time. Tight schedule. But they have a lot of great ideas and have all this passion into them. They look and sound and are acted like shit. But they’re fun. They’re passionate.
This ain’t that.
But it does look and sound nice. It’s real slick, too. Lots of cool little effects and transitions. It’s quick paced. Not quick enough, of course. Again, I turned this shit off about 50-minutes in. But it does just keep on going, regardless if it should be or not.
But it’s boring. No story. No characters. No relationships. No scares. No gore or violence. This is a 90-minute, R-rated horror indie movie. I don’t expect much else but a fun time. And it couldn’t even give me that. It’s like watching porn where all the sex scenes have been edited down so it’s mostly the build-up to the sex, and then they cut away before anyone takes off their clothes. But then, randomly, you get an obscured money shot. Like, it’s still technically a porno. But you’re the only one who got fucked.
If I had to rate this movie on some sort of scale, I’d have to give it a “mildly annoyed.” Like, it’s not even bad enough to be mad at. There’s nothing original about it. It doesn’t make any real attempts to be even mildly entertaining. Things just happen and shit just pops up. I don’t care. And neither does it. And I give the movie credit for not giving a fuck. Cuz that’s a brave stance, and I can’t fault it for being so upfront about how much it doesn’t give a fuck that I’m bored.
So kudos, movie.
But, yeah. Fuck you and your lazy, unscary, uneventful jump-scares, cut-aways, and church fair haunted house bullshit.
Also. Who the fuck has ever called up Facebook tech support? Like, ever? Honestly. Who thought that was a real thing people do?