Bird Box

Bird Box, from director Susanne Bier, and based on the novel by Josh Malerman, features the lovable Sandra Bullock as the wholly unlikable Malorie, a struggling-artist-turned-single-mother who will have to muster up all her stupidity if she hopes to save her two kinda adorable, kinda grating children from the deadly happening suddenly unleashed upon the world.

Because Bier couldn’t be bothered to present anything remotely resembling a watchable movie–or anything resembling a compelling story, engaging character work, horror, tension, drama, or much of anything else one might expect from a movie–I’ll simply share my tweets from my viewing of Bird Box.

Oh. And while there is quite literally nothing of value or substance to spoil in Bird Box, please note that those compelled to avoid such things also avoid this movie. Also, the rest of my thoughts on my awful, awful viewing experienced.

“Wouldn’t it be easier and relatively kinder to simply blind the children? The blindfold thing is infinitely too risky for small children.”

“I don’t give a tin shit about the backstory, Birdbox. This movie-artist and chit-chat exposition is just…blah. Why?”

“This movie is trying really hard to coerce me into caring about the paper cutouts standing in for characters. And I like Sandra Bullock and Sarah Paulson already. That’s the wrong kinda heat, movie.”

“Despite the “chaos”, everyone is stupidly calm about “the happening” in #birdbox. Like, stupid-stupid calm.”

“So far, The Happening did it better.”

“Ray’s Occult’s best customer is apparently in Birdbox.”

“Why the box? WHY THE BOX?!”

“Is this movie about the fucking happening, or is it about a mother and her two kids surviving in a post-apocalyptic wasteland with a seemingly convoluted premise?”

“What’s the “hat on a hat” equivalent when a movie introduces a SECOND pregnant woman for the sake of lazily tricking you into caring for bland, uninteresting characters in a somehow bland, uninteresting movie?”

“Your wife is dead, Doug. Shut up and let someone die, so the movie can get interesting for a minute.”

“So ‘The Happener’ can’t get into houses in any way? Is the fuckin’ sky evil?”

“I don’t know what’s settin’ off all these people, but watching #birdbox has me questioning this whole “living” thing at the moment. If only because I don’t deserve it for having elected to continue watching Birdbox.”

“”I told you so”? Really, Doug? I’m glad your wife killed herself. Glad. Dick.”

“Fuckin’ Hell. I just want the movie to off itself at this point.”

“Are we really going to pretend we didn’t see two people fucking unnaturally quiet?”

“Why would it drive EVERYONE to kill themselves…except for that ONE asshole? Is the goal of Birdbox to literally be ‘unwatchable’?”

“No. GPS won’t fix this ‘we can’t drive blind’ problem, movie. We just saw the roads filled with bodies and wrecks and stupid. Also, how is the navigation shit all up and running?”

“Wouldn’t it have been easier to have just said, ‘This asshole conveniently has a self-driving car’?”

“Grocery stores carry walkie-talkies in bulk? What the fuck? Is nothing believable in this movie?”

“What has everyone believing being inside is safe? Because everyone is really fucking calm whenever they’re indoors. Why? There is no reason to constantly break the tension, Birdbox.”

“How have those birds not killed each other? It’s been several days of no food or water.”

“Why would they even take ONE of the TWO pregnant women?”

“Literally no one cares a dude just killed himself to save everyone. Dude died a hero, and nobody really fucking cares.”

“When did Bird Box turn into a shit-tier rom-com from a shit-tier…whatever it was before?”

“I wanted to toss that box and those kids into the river anyway. Just sayin’.”

“Legit thought the kid figured “Fuck this” and was gonna hang herself. It’s that sort of movie.”

“When did Doug become the voice of reason?”

“Damn near nothing in this movie happens organically, let alone convincingly or interestingly.”

My wife chimed in at one point with, “This sounds like Minecraft music.”

“Willing to risk killing 3 people to save yourself some guilt from having to sacrifice one? That’s fucked, Sandy.”

A two-line sketch:

“Nobody sets out to make a bad movie,” said the Mr. Cliche.

“Oh, yeah?” replied Mr. Bird Box.

And then, my wife chimed in again. “How do you make something worse than The Happening?”

“How?” indeed.

And, finally:

“Bird Box was so bad, it legitimately ruined my high. The fuck do you make a movie that negatively impacts weed? That shit’s supposed to make bad movies better, not the inverse.”

As a final note: I went into this movie eager to understand the strange social media obsession with it. I saw no real reviews or opinions on this film other than it becoming a source of various memes. In fact, everyone seemed to not only go out of their to not say anything good or bad about the movie, they also made it a point to bring attention to their not wanting to share their thoughts on it. A good movie, but especially a bad movie, will always have people talking. Middling, forgettable movies are the one’s nobody has any thoughts on until they come across it again, nod to themselves, and say, “Oh, yeah. I saw this before,” then continue forgetting about it until the cycle repeats itself. So what the Hell does it say about a movie when nearly anyone who watches it wishes to never speak of the experience ever again?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *