And Scene.

The following is a one-scene, two-person play reflecting our current political climate. Enjoy.


INT. FBI HQ/OFFICE – DAY

A tired, annoyed, overworked, and nearly broken AGENT sits at her desk.

Her telephone RINGS.

She sighs, rolls her eyes, and then answers it.

AGENT

Hello, this is Agent--

A VOICE speaks to her on the other line--an all-too familiar one.

VOICE

Yeah, not important. This is Donald J.-- I mean, this is Donnie. Donnie...nevermind.

AGENT

Okay... what’s this about, “Donnie”?

DONNIE

Yeah, I’m calling about the million dollar reward for any evidence that leads to the capture of any Russian colluders. I’ve got evidence. Tons of it. Not that there is any collusion. But if there were--not that there is, but if there were--I’ve got all ya need.

AGENT

Uh, thank you? But we don’t have any sort of reward--

DONNIE

Look, don’t screw with me, Sweet Cheeks. I know stuff. Lots of stuff. You wouldn’t believe the sort of stuff I know. I watch a lot of TV, okay? You guys always have rewards for this sort of thing. I know it. Lots of people know it, okay?

AGENT

Okay...

DONNIE

Okay.

An uncomfortable silence.

AGENT

So...?

DONNIE

What’s that? Oh, right the collusion thing. Yeah, well, I know Michael Flynn lied to the FBI about colluding with Russia.

AGENT

And you know this how?

DONNIE

I was there. Right there. Saw him do it with my own eyes.

AGENT

You saw him do it.

DONNIE

That’s right.

Another silence.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

Hello? Sweetie, are you there?

The Agent is gobsmacked by the sheer stupidity of it all.

DONNIE

(to someone else off the phone)

No. No, I don’t think the line disconnected. She’s probably double-checking on the amount of that reward. Must be a lot. No, I’m telling you, she’s still gotta be on the line.

(beat)

What? Self-incrimi-what-now? No, this is an anonymous tip line.

(beat)

Uh-huh. How are they gonna send me a reward if I didn’t tell them--look, I gave them my first name, of course. I’m not a complete idiot. Okay? Look, I’m the goddamn President of the United--

AGENT

Donnie?

DONNIE

(still to someone else)

See? That’s her right now.

(to Agent)

Yes, Sweetie? You got that sweet, sweet cash from the F.B.I. for good ol’ D.J.T.?

AGENT

Sir, with all due respect, you’re a fucking idiot.

DONNIE

Yeah, I get that a lot. So, what about the money?

THE END.

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