This is my friend, John:
Don’t worry, his face is perfectly fine. John just likes to make funny faces when he thinks nobody’s looking. I don’t think he noticed anyone was holding the camera!
My friend John likes to make funny faces and look into cameras because he’s an actor. He’s been on TV!
John says being an actor is hard work.
One time, I asked John if being an actor is just playing pretend for grown-ups. And John hit me with a steel folding chair and asked me if that felt like playing pretend. It didn’t. John’s so smart!
Sometimes, John has to cut his hair and shave for his auditions. He says showering washes away the good luck, so he doesn’t bother with that much. But that’s okay, because he’s helping to conserve water too!
This is how John shaved today:
He’s really excited about his audition!
Sometimes, John posts his pictures on the internet for all of his friends to see. He lets me see them too if I promise to leave him alone! John’s such a swell guy!
I like to leave messages on John’s pictures to let him know we are friends!
Here are some of the things I wrote to John for his mustache picture!
Lieutenant Dangle has not taken well to early retirement from the Reno sheriffs…
The look of a man who’s daughter has just shit-talked his loyal Dodge Stratus…
This is the guy who just heard he was passed up yet again for the manager’s position at the carpet store, pretends it doesn’t bother him at all, turns back to his work, thinks better of it, and then, in a soft voice (so as to not be overheard), rants a bit to his nearest coworker. Seriously, do they even realize how little Ted does around here? Come on!
This is the guy who just heard for the second time today, “Sorry, Sir. But we only have Coke…”
A man is having lunch with his daughter who is graduating next fall with a Bachelors in Accounting. And then, as he’s about to sip his coffee, he instead looks up and makes this face just as she finishes saying, “So, I was thinking of changing my major to Fine Arts…”
It’s that guy from the Canadian remake of Parks and Rec, Swan Johnson. Ya know, the dude who likes lunch food, shopping for handmade goods, and loves his government because they offer free healthcare.
This is definitely a man who has been been ordering the soup and half-sandwich at the local diner every day for the last 15 years. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t plan on ordering anything different. He just slurps that soup, cleaning out his mustache after every spoonful.
I’m pretty sure this is the man who sold Anthony Pulcini that van…
(Anthony is our friend, too! Anthony likes to make jokes and talk to girls. Ew!)
This is the look of a man who just got finished telling the owner of a boutique cafe and bookstore that he’s going to be giving them a bad review on Yelp! after they failed to acquire for him the latest Tom Clancy novel.
“What do you mean this is comedy night? I drove all the way here for a beer and to watch the ****ing game.”
“But I have a coupon…”
“Is there anyone else here I can talk to?”
This is Gerald Thompson, a hobbyist taxidermist from a small town in Colorado who keeps to himself mostly and is often referred to by his neighbors as that “nice man” from across the way. No one is sure what he does for a living, nor is anyone willing to ask on those Sunday afternoons when he mows his lawn with a small pushmower. When asked why he doesn’t just buy a gas-powered mower, he can only smile with the corner of his mouth and say, “I like to use my hands.”
Once when Gerald’s ten-year old neighbor stopped by as Gerald was mowing the lawn, the boy shared that he loved the smell of freshly cut grass. Without missing a beat, Gerald shared his favorite bit of trivia, which was this: the smell of freshly cut grass is a sort of distress signal, a defense response that sends a rush of chemicals through the grass to help the wounds seal faster. In a manner of speaking, that smell is the grass screaming in pain and fear.
The boy stood there for a moment, unsure what to say.
And then, Gerald, his eyes never breaking with the boy’s, spoke. “I like the smell of freshly cut grass too.”
The boy left and never spoke with Gerald Thompson ever again. Not until that fateful night. The night of the high school homecoming dance.
John liked this last one so much he wrote me a note back!
IF I END UP IN A POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM BECAUSE OF THIS POST I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
I’m so lucky that John and I are such good friends!