I Wouldn’t Buy That For a Dollar

STEVIE: Welcome back to The Morning Constitution. I’m Sitting in a Chemical Toilet, coming to you barely-alive from the Santa Carla pier.

The social media dumpster fire formerly known as Twitter announced it will be testing an annual one-dollar subscription fee to use even the most basic functions. Elon Musk, Twitter owner and human embodiment of a mid-life crisis, stated the subscription fee to be the only idea he can think of to fend off the seemingly endless horde of bots that currently plague the platform.

Really? That’s the best idea he can think of? That’s like charging your cat rent to get rid of their fleas. Even if he understood the concept of money, Mr. Nipple still wouldn’t take the chance to personally pelt Elon Musk with 100 pennies to use Twitter.

Of course, this is a man who not only thought he’d solve the problem of traffic with a hole in the ground filled with even more cars, but also thought building an electric pickup truck shaped like him would make the rest of us forget he looks like a child’s misshapen drawing of a Mr. Nipple.

Now. I’m not saying this won’t work. But I am saying no amount of money can fix stupid.