STEVIE: Today marks the third week of eternal darkness in Santa Carla. Attempts to contact the outside world continue to prove fruitless, and people have long resorted to cannibalism despite store shelves inexplicably restocked every morning. Officials at Santa Carla Community College are yet to confirm a precise explanation for what has been the end of life as we know it, but one official anonymously commented that it may have something to do with the ritual sacrifice at this year’s Founder’s Day celebration. Carl Bloodletter, a representative for Santa Carla Parks and Recreation, denies any responsibilities.